lying to myself.

let me first start by saying, I really am NOT one of those who posts things to there future spouse for others to see (it's a little bit of a pet peeve). now in saying that, this morning my heart was especially heavy for my husband and I felt the need to be transparent in order to encourage others.


during my quiet time this morning I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as the thought of my husband crossed my mind and I began to compare myself to most of my circle of friends who are either engaged, married & pregnant or living with their significant other. 
then there is ME.

so I haven't dated since  a few weeks prior to my 18th birthday.

don't get me wrong, i've invested my heart, time & energy

 in places that i shouldn't since then, but 

not a Lord-honoring relationship.

I felt the enemy begin to assault my heart and mind, bringing comparisons to those around me which caused me to feel somewhat inadequate and oddly embarrassed. I began to recognize this deliberate discouragement from the enemy, and immediately thought back to what I consistently encourage girls in the small group with,

  "somewhere there is the person who was created 

to compliment you, and they are out there

 waiting for either their heart 

and life to be ready or for yours to be"

in honesty, it is always much easier to encourage those around you, than to remind yourself.

As I was flipping through Philippians this morning, I came across a scripture that I felt was a little post-it note from the Lord (even if some may argue it's taken out of context, then you don't have to read it! haha)

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always

pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel

from the first day until now, being confident

of this, that He who began a good work in you will

carry it on to completion until the day of Christ"

(1Philippians 1:3-6)

the things that so hit me were as follows:

a) how many times do I thank the the Lord as I remember what He has done and what He has promised to do?

b) how many times do I pray with confidence and joy, especially in areas of the heart that may difficult, shameful, embarrassing or seem ridiculous to pray about?

c) for me personally, how many times do I thank the Lord for the work He is doing in loving & developing me as well as loving & developing my future spouse, future children, and my own destiny?

d) when I'm in the middle of feeling grief or despair, how often do I honestly rest in His confidence and assurance of His best for me?

e) in my core, do I truly belief that He would deliver me like the children of Israel, only to leave me to die at the hand of another obstacle? (in their case, the ocean)

I was so struck this morning with how much I don't like my answers to those questions. In all actuality, maybe I'm fooling myself when I say I trust the Lord? How selfish and self centered of me to wonder when promises, dreams or desires will come into fruition, when I need to be thanking the Lord for what He is doing behind the scenes.

I know I am not alone in this conviction. 

notes on doubt.

Yesterday, Pastor Todd Elliot spoke on the subject of doubt . The beauty of his message was that it was equally profound as it was simple and easy to comprehend.

Some of these nuggets I gleaned from the message:

doubt comes from malnutrition  and mistreatment.

the Lord can't  add (give,etc) anything  to you  your doubt, because you are  unstable.

"but  when  he asks, he must believe and not doubt, 

because when he doubts he is like a wave of the sea,

blown and tossed by the wind.

(james 1:6)

doubt is not UNBELIEF,

unbelief is the willful  disobedience to

choose not to belief.

between unbelief and faith, resides doubt.

the chinese symbol for doubt translates into:

a foot in two boats.

i am woven.

I'm not a scholar or a sociologist but I believe that as a generation, we have lost our sense of self-worth.
Feelings of being lost, alone, unsure, unaware of how much we are loved is a plague that is spreading.

In the past few days, I've come across several individuals who may be residents of mine, co-workers,supervisors who have said;

"I feel so alone"

 "I feel like I've lost myself"

 "I just want to be loved for who I am".

I remember only a few months ago feeling the exact same way; terrified that if anyone knew me, TRULY knew ME, that I'd be rejected, abandoned and unloved. Sure I considered myself an "open" person, with "open" meaning: only-the-areas-I-was-willing-to-share. And yet on the inside, I had deep hurts and secret areas that I fearfully kept close to me and closed off to anyone else. 

 I've had to be courageous (and terrified, I might add) enough to be open not only to the Lord about these rooms-that-were-locked-away in my heart, but also be willing to be open to myself and an accountability partner. As I've slowly stepped into true open &honest living, I've found not only a freedom I've never known existed but also that people have responded exactly opposite of what I feared.

You know why?

Because everyone is broken and has issues. Period.

Last night Brian Weiler was going through Psalm 139:14-15

"I praise you because I am 

fearfully and wonderfully made,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I 

was made in the secret  place,

when I was woven together

in the depths of the Earth"

The first thing is the concept that Brian continued to point to

which is not just that we are fearfully and wonderfully made but that we KNOW THIS FULL WELL.

As Damon Adcock has said, "so many times the proclamation of our mouth does not echo our heart"

Secondly the word woven stuck out to me; it brought this image of the Lord sitting in a recliner in Heaven just knitting away little Mary Catherine, little Anna, little Hal, little Kim,etc.

(ok so maybe the Lord doesn't have a hobby of knitting, but I don't believe it's far from the truth...)

Webster's defines WOVEN as: "to form by combining various elements or details into the connected whole; to introduce as an element or details into a connected whole"

The original scripture says that we were "curiously wrought" which literally translates to embroidered.

The Hebrew word רקם râqam - means to deck with color, to variegate. Hence, it means to variegate a garment; to weave with threads of various colors. With us the idea of embroidering is that of working various colors on a cloth by a needle. The Hebrew word, however, properly refers to the act of "weaving in" various threads - as now in weaving carpets. The reference here is to the various and complicated tissues of the human frame - the tendons, nerves, veins, arteries, muscles, "as if" they had been woven, or as they appear to be curiously interweaved. No work of tapestry can be compared with this; no art of man could "weave" together such a variety of most tender and delicate fibres and tissues as those which go to make up the human frame, even if they were made ready to his hand: and who but God could "make" them? (http://bible.cc/psalms/139-15.htm)

How could we ever doubt our worth, with the Creator of the Universe sat in his "weaving chair" (umm creative license!) and tediously weaved every part of YOU. 

You are so special.

You are so unique.

He took the moments to place every freckle, every hair, every desire, every personality characteristic.

When I was little, I asked my mama "where was I before I was born?", she responded with "you were in God's plans". So from then on I went around saying "before I was born, I was in God's plants"

Maybe I wasn't so far off from the truth, because I kind of adore the imagery of being a little plant that is so tediously cared for & nurtured until I was ready for the world and the world was ready for me.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, 

before you were born I set you apart..."

(Jeremiah 1:5)

"Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows"

(Luke 12:7)

the stolen life

if someone were to walk up to you and attempt to kidnap you, you would be very aware of what was going on and would do all you could to escape the situation.


if someone were to walk right up to you at your table in a restaurant and snatch your wallet & cell phone, you would be aware of what was going on and would do all you could to escape the situation.

"He [the enemy] doesn't immediately overwhelm people with powerful desires. Instead, the enemy of our minds starts with little things--little dissatisfactions, small desires and builds from there" (Battlefield of the Mind)

do you realize that you may have been stolen from, put into captivity and you aren't even aware.
For the past 5 years, I have lived a stolen life.

During my senior year of highschool, I began "dabbling" in an eating disorder; it started out at drinking massive amounts of water to trick my body and escalated to forced-vomiting after something small like lettuce.
Over the next 5 years, I was in & out of counseling, convincing myself that I didn't truly have a problem. I would have "good" periods of time, during which I'd share with everyone the "battle I was facing". But I would also have very dark and "shameful" times during which I told no one.


I truly thought  that I was an open and honest person, I had convinced myself that I was oh so approachable and "real" to those around me. But  on the inside, I truly believed that I would also deal with some kind of eating disorder. Up until this July, I was convinced that I was a healthy, free woman who would occasionally throw up her food.

Thinking through it now, I see how ridiculous it was to think that I would free.

"a stronghold is an area in which we are held in bondage--

any part of our lives in which Satan imprisons us"

(Battlefield of the Mind)

One Sunday at REFUGE (in Columbia!) the sermon was regarding worth, and I don't know what triggered it necessarily, but suddenly became overcome with grief and began to weep. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming grief that was not merely mine, but also the loving Father who was grieving with me. He knew I'd had 5 years stolen from me, and I had been the one to allow & believe it.

I wept for a decent amount of time, composed myself long enough to drive home, only to lay my head in my Mama's lap and grieve. 

Out of this grief, I realized that I was not alone in having lived a stolen life.

As days and weeks followed this day of grieving, I

began to notice people around me who also believed that their "bondage" was normal, and

more dangerously, that it was acceptable.

I've heard people justify the "cross they bare" by saying things like "well i've just done this for so long, so..." or "everyone has a cross to bare".

NO! If you & I were sitting at a table and I told you, "well I've thrown up my food for 5 years, so I might as well continue", you would think I were insane. Now apply that conversation to yourself.


What "cross" are you carrying that you don't have to? In what ways have to been convinced that "things will always be this way" or "I will always deal with _____(fill in the blank)"


For the past 5 years, I have truly believed that I would always deal with some kind of eating disorder. 

So you tell me, how is THAT thinking you are free?

"thief comes to steal and kill and destory; 

I have come that you may have life

and have it to the full"

[john 10:10]