lying to myself.

let me first start by saying, I really am NOT one of those who posts things to there future spouse for others to see (it's a little bit of a pet peeve). now in saying that, this morning my heart was especially heavy for my husband and I felt the need to be transparent in order to encourage others.


during my quiet time this morning I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as the thought of my husband crossed my mind and I began to compare myself to most of my circle of friends who are either engaged, married & pregnant or living with their significant other. 
then there is ME.

so I haven't dated since  a few weeks prior to my 18th birthday.

don't get me wrong, i've invested my heart, time & energy

 in places that i shouldn't since then, but 

not a Lord-honoring relationship.

I felt the enemy begin to assault my heart and mind, bringing comparisons to those around me which caused me to feel somewhat inadequate and oddly embarrassed. I began to recognize this deliberate discouragement from the enemy, and immediately thought back to what I consistently encourage girls in the small group with,

  "somewhere there is the person who was created 

to compliment you, and they are out there

 waiting for either their heart 

and life to be ready or for yours to be"

in honesty, it is always much easier to encourage those around you, than to remind yourself.

As I was flipping through Philippians this morning, I came across a scripture that I felt was a little post-it note from the Lord (even if some may argue it's taken out of context, then you don't have to read it! haha)

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always

pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel

from the first day until now, being confident

of this, that He who began a good work in you will

carry it on to completion until the day of Christ"

(1Philippians 1:3-6)

the things that so hit me were as follows:

a) how many times do I thank the the Lord as I remember what He has done and what He has promised to do?

b) how many times do I pray with confidence and joy, especially in areas of the heart that may difficult, shameful, embarrassing or seem ridiculous to pray about?

c) for me personally, how many times do I thank the Lord for the work He is doing in loving & developing me as well as loving & developing my future spouse, future children, and my own destiny?

d) when I'm in the middle of feeling grief or despair, how often do I honestly rest in His confidence and assurance of His best for me?

e) in my core, do I truly belief that He would deliver me like the children of Israel, only to leave me to die at the hand of another obstacle? (in their case, the ocean)

I was so struck this morning with how much I don't like my answers to those questions. In all actuality, maybe I'm fooling myself when I say I trust the Lord? How selfish and self centered of me to wonder when promises, dreams or desires will come into fruition, when I need to be thanking the Lord for what He is doing behind the scenes.

I know I am not alone in this conviction.