What A Candle Taught Me

So if you were to ask the following:
To my husband: if I light a candle every single day? ABSOLUTELY YES I HAVE A (borderline) ISSUE.
To my Clients: Does Mary Catherine use every chance to use an anecdote or metaphor at minimum twice per session? ABSOLUTELY YES SHE HAS A (borderline) ISSUE.

Well, today my friends, I'm going to share with you a personal anecdote about candles!


I was getting ready to hop in the shower and while I was diffusing oils in the living room (yes, I do both), I decided I wanted to light one of my favorite "MAN-dles" in our bedroom. (I like "manly"/"earthy" scents), I realized I couldn't find our long lighter and the candle is on it's last leg....

I search frantically for our emergency portable lighter and after much hunting, I find it.

I think AH-HAH! So I take my little baby hand and shove it down to wick and while it lights, even my abnormally-small-hands-for-a-grown-woman blocks the oxygen flow into the candle and it keeps going out when I remove my hand.

SHEESH.

I attempt this 3 or 4 times before I can start to feel my (already on edge/exhausted) self start to feel frustrated and I immediately think "this is AWESOME! (re: sarcasm) It's been a FULL day, a rough week, a trying month (I know, already?!), and for all of us I can safely say it's been a sucky year so far AND ALL I WANT IS THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT!" (as my dog cries for no reason as the background music).

So I stop. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. I just have to get the timing perfect. I have the right tools (baby hands and fire).

So at this point I'm mad. But the good mad. The mad that I'm not going to shower until this gets resolved.

And guess what? Two attempts later...it lit and stayed lit.

And now, as I sit here writing this to you my friends, it is filling me not just with a comforting sense but a reminder that sometimes we just need to a)pause b)breathe c)access our tools d) set clear expectations/reasonable ones e) keep trying.


So that's it. What's your candle?

Note regarding "Fear of the Unknown"

Here are the cliff notes from today's talk on my most requested topic, "FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN":

"Fear is based on our perception of what might happen in the future"

--Try listing 1-3 examples of times when you've phased something UNKNOWN in the past and coped successfully!

--ACKNOWLEDGE your fear and then set a "worry time" each day. Once the time is up, put the worry in a "box" until the next day and don't allow yourself to think about it.

--EMBRACE the world as it is today and remember feelings are not facts. (ie. "ok, we are in quarantine, that's a fact not based on my feelings)

--It takes CONSISTENT mindfulness to conquer spiraling thoughts. FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT and say "I'm not ok but I'm willingly to be ok" until you believe it.

--NOTICE when you are ESCALATING (ie. I'm going to be homeless!)

--What's something that brings you peace/grounds you?

Rest.

One of my favorite features of Facebook is the "On This Day" Memories feature, I look forward to it every day. Some days it's fun to see how far the Lord has brought me, sometimes it's cringy to see stupid posts and sometimes it hard to see the hard times but they bring me to reflect on highs and faithfulness.

Recently, I saw where last year I asked the Lord for a word to declare regarding 2019 and I believe strongly that I heard the word "deliverance". My heart sank. I didn't feel I'd experienced deliverance. My initial reaction was that 2019 had more lows than highs. 2019 felt dark and like a blur. It felt lonely and like a fog of hopelessness that would only briefly lift every once in a while.

I was irritated. Had I been lied to? Had I been failed?

I felt weary of God. And then I felt shame that I felt that way.

So what was the deal? As I went down the rabbit hole of studying the word deliverance, I came across two ideas that stuck with me:

 1. the idea of deliverance to mean cleansing 

2. the idea of deliverance referring to 'to free' 

 Are we told we will be completely cleansed? Nope. It's a cleans-ING, suggesting on going. It's active. To free suggest active, ongoing, rather than to say "be freed". There's a difference.

Was I completely "cleansed"? No.

 Had a I spent the year cleansing whether it be through trying various medications and switching to some intense therapy? Yes. Had it been spent identifying deep wounds and trigger points and spiritual ties?  Yes. I had been taking inventory. I had been cleansing.

Was I completely free? HA! No.

But was I moving in that direction? Yes! Part of the "to free" is to figure out what keeps you bound whether spiritually, emotionally, mentally or otherwise. 

So had I been failed? 

NO.

In 2 Kings 4, we see a woman who is struggling financially, reach out to the Prophet Elijah to ask for assistance to address outstanding debt and his response to her was "what do you have in your house?" (vs. 2) . 

What is my point?

So often, I think we focuses on what we don't have or what we haven't accomplished rather than what we do. When we view life through the lens of shame, we will see failure and lack. 

2019, was still deliverance  because I was progressing.

My word for 2020 is "rest". Which seems funny to me because I slept an awful lot in 2019. But I wasn't resting but rather I was in a constant state of worry and panic that left me paralyzed and it felt like my only escape was to sleep (when I could slow the racing thoughts enough). 

I did not rest with others.

I did not rest in the present.

I did not rest in contentment.

I rested in shame that I wasn't doing enough. That I wasn't "getting better".

I slept out of desperation to escape which wasn't resting at all.

So friends, find your rest and be kind to yourselves. 

What do you have?

Suicide & Assumptions

Suicide. It's a taboo topic especially in religious circles but we've got to start talking about it. WE HAVE TO because lives are at stake.

This past week a Pastor from California committed suicide just three weeks after returning to his congregation following a sabbatical meant to address his mental health. I posted an article about this a friend of mine commented that this incident had shaken her faith because if a Pastor couldn't "defeat" mental illness than how could anyone else?

Her comment has been heavy on my heart for the past few days because how many times do we have expectations of certain people or people groups in thinking that they should somehow be exempt from mental illness or suicidality? It's in this thinking that the problem lives. 

Assumptions. We make assumptions about people lives. We make assumptions about how they are handling certain struggles or how they will handle certain challenges in the future. Assumptions are dangerous but what's a more dangerous thought pattern is when we put expectations on people that cause them to live on a pedestal in our minds. 

I think my friend brought to light the root of this issues, that we often think only certain people struggle and others don't or can't.

Recently, I had someone approach me and tell me that my life on social media looks so fun. I told my husband about this and we laughed but I also wanted to cry because this person has no idea what I'm actually walking through but are making an assumption based on the limited information I share online. They have no idea I'm in counseling or that I've had thoughts of self harm in the past. They have no idea what my husband and I have been walking through physically. Simple put, they have no idea. I don't fault this person, I just found it an interesting statement that further sheds light on our tendency as humans to make assumptions.

What assumptions are you making  that are potentially detrimental to you right now? What narrative have you made up in your mind about the people around you that is causing you to feel poorly about yourself? 

I once heard a quote that stated "there are a thousand different versions of you in peoples' minds". What a concept that people are walking around making up narratives about you just like you are about them. 

We have to stop this narrative that anyone is exempt from suicidal ideations. I once had a supervisor say "everyone has suicidal thoughts at some point in their life, some just have them stick". And that's true.

Stop making assumptions. 

Stop comparing. 

Comparison is the thief of joy.  

*text "START" to 741-741 to text a live counselor 24/7 

When your season is hard

I'd love to say that I'm writing this because I've emerged from this tough season, but that would be a lie. I'm in the thick of it.

There are seasons in life that we go through that are wearying and that feel like we're barely trudging through thick mud. It's in these seasons that the only sustenance that sustains you is reminding yourself of the faithfulness of God that you've seen in the past. And at times, even that doesn't feel like enough.

About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis and while it was a relief to have a diagnosis for what I'd been battling since puberty, having a diagnosis doesn't necessarily fix the challenge. This condition has caused unbearable painful menstrual cycles that have often left me either out of work or at Urgent Care. In April I finally had surgery to clean out as much of the disease that could be taken out without leaving me unable to have children. Last week I started the 6 month journey of monthly injections that puts my body into menopause in hopes that the disease will stop growing enough for us to be able to conceive.

This along with my existing digestive issues has caused me to feel overwhelmed and quite weary.

When you deal with a chronic issue, it can be easy to begin to despise your body. Why is all of this happening to me? How'd I get chosen to battle these conditions? It causes you to have to examine every part of your lifestyle and make changes accordingly and it's exhausting.

Not to mention the added pressure to try to conceive much sooner than we anticipated and the lingering anxiety that I won't be able to .

My favorite story in the Bible is the children of Israel and the story of their rescue from slavery. For some time, these people cried out to God to be delivered from a tyrant and He did. But as soon as they were delivered they began to doubt His goodness when faced with the Red Sea. They began to wonder if they'd been delivered from slavery only to die at the hands of a raging ocean as they saw Pharaoh and his arming approaching.  (Exodus 14)

Have you ever felt like this? I have.

The children of Israel doubted that the same God who just delivered them from Pharaoh would then turn around and let them die at Pharaoh's hand. They doubted the goodness of God. I'd even venture to say that they thought He was some kind of trickster or cruel being who would torture them with freedom only to have them die once delivered.

Earlier this week as I was vomiting from pain, I began to cry because I felt so weary. Then I remembered 14 years ago when I was laying on the hospital floor interceding for my life after an ulcer in my intestines burst. I was delivered then.

I also remembered when a former ex threatened to slit my throat but I was delivered then.

I will be delivered now. It just may not be how or when I prefer it to be. The children of Israel were delivered by a staff being stretched out that caused the seas to part. I'm sure they didn't see that coming.

I don't know when this season will end but I know the way I'll be sustained is to reflect on the times in my life when He has been faithful and to remember that above all things He is good even when it doesn't feel like it.

"For His lovingkindness prevails over us [and we triumph and overcome through Him], and the truth of the Lord endures forever" (Psalm 117:22)

Whatever season you're in today, be encouraged.

A Year Ago I Had My First Panic Attack...

A year ago this month, I had my first panic attack not knowing it would change the next year of my life.

I'm a therapist so I've worked with my fair share of individuals with anxiety or panic disorder. However, had you told me that there would be a time when I had a panic attack in the middle of the state fair or there were days when showering was all the effort I could muster I would not have believed you.

Approximately a year ago this month I had my first panic attack while leading worship and I had no idea what was going on. My body felt hot and cold at the same time, my heart was racing, my limbs were tingly and I felt like I was going to die. It wasn't until I mentioned this to a co-worker that she said "Mary Catherine, you just had a panic attack" and sure enough what I experienced was text book.

In September I began seeing a Psychiatry NP who began me on  medications where side effects were almost more unbearable compared to what I was experiencing through mental illness. But I wanted to get better so I stuck with it.

My anxiety began to grow fairly rapidly; one day I was just anxious about leading worship and the next thing I knew I was compulsively checking for my keys while on vacation or being afraid to drive. The darkest time was over Christmas break when I had two weeks off from work because that's when I had so much free time that I started to drown in anxiety. I struggled to shower or even let our dog out let alone be a fully present wife. I was anxious ALL OF THE TIME, like physically shaky and literally afraid ALL OF THE TIME. I stopped leading worship, I didn't attend any holiday parties and I cried a lot because I couldn't make myself interact with the outside world.

There were people in my life that didn't understand and that's OK because the didn't have to because I knew what I was facing was real. But not just real, it was an assault on my life.

Right before Christmas was when I knew something had to give. I wasn't functioning. I was forcing myself to eat one meal a day and for the first time in my life I had this strange urge to self harm. THIS was what scared me the most because that's just not in my nature.

So I did three things:

 I went to my NP, bawling, and told her something had to change. So we changed my medication.

   

   I let my close circle of people in my life in on my suffering.

                             

   I worshiped even when it was exhausting and I felt abandoned by God.

I wish I could tell you that I spent time in the word and blasted worship music and all of the sudden got better. Well, it didn't happen like that. I've been walking through a dark and difficult 6-is months and have had to put in the work to get better. Finding the right combinations of medication, forcing myself to sit in the sun because Vitamin D, exercising, attending therapy, weeping in Word for some morsel of truth and pushing myself to be vulnerable with people.

Psalm 13:5 (AMP version) says

"But I have trusted and relied on and been confident in Your loving kindness and faithfulness"

Sometimes we are very quickly delivered from the fire and sometimes we are in the fire so we are forced to rely on Him.

Suffering is hard and it's different for every person. But hold tight to His promises because He's been faithful in the past which is encouragement that He hasn't left you now to die.

***EDIT: I led worship again for the first time this Sunday in many months, so I'm on the upswing***

*Text START to 741-741 to text 24/7 with a live therapist

The Vulnerability Sham

If you would have asked me a month or two ago if I felt I was an open and vulnerable person I would have said "Absolutely!" but that's because I'd bought into the lie that is  censored vulnerability.

For me, this means that I lie to myself about how vulnerable I am; I convince myself that I'm "real" and "open" but truthfully I have an unspoken limit as to how much and what I will share (which borders on being completely fake and hypocritical).

I'm not talking about having boundaries, that's fine. I mean I will gladly talk about my past with depression but have yet to publicly talk about my recent onset of panic attacks that have caused me to take a break from leading worship. 

Censoring our vulnerability defeats the concept of vulnerability.

It's fairly easy for me to talk about my previously abusive relationship because in that case I've come out to be victorious, however, it's not easy to talk about how painful an adjustment marriage has been because I'm still in the thick of it.

The fear with vulnerability is that we could be judged or minimized, so instead, I (we) choose to just show parts of ourselves. It's like "I'll show you the scar from this previous bear attack I survived but I won't show you the gushing wound in my arm because I don't know how you'll react to what I'm dealing with now so I won't risk it". 

Recently in my own personal therapy session I realized that I'm usually only vulnerable in situations in which I feel power. I can be vulnerable with someone who is having a hard time if it's me "helping" them by sharing them my past struggles but I rarely if ever venture into my current challenges. Because it could make me appear weak or as if I'm not a reliable source for "help". 

Doesn't that sound silly? But I do it. A lot.  

I've been doing a lot of research with Brene Brown's work recently and this is one of the most meaningful concepts I've come across thus far:

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”  (Brene Brown) 

As nice as that sounds, what does it mean? I means that if people really truly knew us, knew we were real people who are currently facing struggles rather than people who have just always victoriously arose from situations, they could deeply love us. It'd make us more connected to not only a greater sense of hope but also a greater sense of connection. 

It starts with examining the why.  Why do I feel to show censored vulnerability? Why do I struggle to give a more truthful answer than "just chugging along" when someone asks how I am.  While it may feel like I'm protecting myself from hurt, in actuality, I'm preventing people from being able to truly love me because they don't truly know me.

And that feels fake. 

So here's to trying.

Here's to be more intentional even in baby steps of opening up to people fully, even if that baby step is giving a more specific answer than "just chugging along". Baby steps are me sharing that marriage is a rewarding but painful adjustment and that panic attacks make you feel powerless.