I ran into my abuser.

I was in a store recently and I ran into my abuser.

You may or may not know that this bold, resilient, therapist of a woman was in an abusive relationship on and off for 3.5 years. Sure, I moved out one time. Sure, I blocked his number one time. Sure, I said I would never go back, but whenever he said he needed me I would always open myself back up to him. Every time I left, I felt like I was more drained of the empathetic, sweet, bold and creative parts of myself. I allowed him to make me feel as if no one would ever know me like he did and whenever I would go back, he would always say "no one knows you like I do" and "no one loves you like I do, not even your family".

I ran into my abuser recently and he did not know who I was. Let me clarify, of course he knew it was Mary Catherine because that's why he stopped me to talk to him. But he did not know the woman that I am now.  How do I know this? Because for the first time ever, I did not engage with him. I did not follow up with questions to his statements about coming back from the gym. I did not go into a long story of my engagement when he said "congrats on the engagement", I merely said "thank you".

You see for the longest time, I was caught up in a poisonous cycle with him. I craved his attention even though I knew it would drain me. It's sickening how just like trying to handle a poisonous snake, I would always get bitten. The Mary Catherine that he knew would have engaged him in conversation, but I walked away politely. Don't get me wrong, I was shaking tremendously but I hid it. For the first time I did not feel that I owed him anything. He doesn't get the pleasure of engaging in conversation with me. He doesn't get the privilege of knowing about my life. I have no desire to know how he is doing. I have no desire to engage in conversation.

I ran into my abuser recently and I don't think that he knew what to do when I walked away after politely excusing myself. How do I know this? Because 10 minutes later he tracked me down in the store and told me that he felt "snubbed" by me because I didn't talk to him more. I told him I was on the phone and he asked if I needed help reaching a rug, I said "no thank you" and I walked away. I don't think he knew who he was talking to anymore.

Recently I've started walking through trauma work in my own personal counseling and it's no coincidence that after not seeing him for almost 2 years that I run into him on the most random side of town in Columbia.

I walked away. I owe him nothing.

If you're in a situation where someone is manipulating you, isolating you, minimizing you, verbally abusing you, physically abusing you, sexually abusing you that's called abuse. It's not "an anger problem", it's abuse. It's not "calling you a b*tch because I'm frustrated", it's abuse. If you're pressure or guilted into something, it's abuse.

You are precious and important. You are not doomed to just "deal with it". I share this not for sympathy but because many people see the person I am now and could never fathom that once I was a shell of a person who felt that no one would love her, that no one could love her. I share this to encourage you that there is more.

Stop justifying the behavior, you deserve more.