Deserts and Starbucks Coffee.

told you little boogers i would give you a two-fer today :)

As i still sit in Starbucks, I am taking time to finally pour out all that the Lord has been impressing on my heart as of late.

I have been thinking about the children of Israel and their journey in the Desert.
They were complainers, and sadly, that is much of what our society has become.
It seems odd to us when we examine their journey and realize that they complained SHORTLY after being released from slavery.

"(on the fifteenth day of the second month) in the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, 'if only we had died by the Lord's hand in Egypt! there we would sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve the entire assembly to death' " [Exodus 16:2-3]

Don't you think to yourself "how could they be so ungrateful? i would NEVER be that way" that was mighty brave of them to accuse the Lord God of setting them free only to let them die.
("You are not grumbling against us, but against the Lord" vs.8)

But wait a minute, how often does the Lord provide for us and shortly after we find ourselves doubting Him  again.  Why is it that we doubt Him almost on a recurring basis?

We know in our mind that the Lord is faithful, but in the heat of the moment He is the first one we accuse or blame.
Do you think that maybe the Israelites lack of trust and obedience in the Lord paid a part in their EXTENDED stay in the desert? I don't know about you but I'm thinking that 40 years in a desert after being released from captivity wasn't His initial plan. (though He knew it would ultimately happen)

They grumbled about starving, and the Lord provided manna. All He asked was that they would gather only enough to feed them during a 5 day period and on the 6th day, gather enough for the following day. He called for their OBEDIENCE  & TRUST.

So how about these beans; even after being delivered from slavery AND being provided food by process of bread literally raining down. They STILL doubted the faithfulness and love of the Lord! (WHAT IN THE WORLD?!)

"They camped  at Rephidim, but there was no water to drink. So they quarreled with Moses and said, 'Give us water to drink'. Moses replied, 'Why do you quarrel with me? Why do you put the Lord to the test?' But the people were thirsty for water there, an they grumbled against Moses, They said, ' why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?' " (17: 2-3)

I WANT TO SMACK THE DAY LIGHTS OUT OF THESE KIDS!
C'mon Israelites! Do you really think that he would deliver you from SLAVERY (remember the red sea?) and  RAIN BREAD from heaven, only to let you die from THIRST?

My goodness, how many times have I acted identical to the children of Israel! The Lord delivers me, only for my to wish or even put myself back into a situation of bondage. Simply because sometimes it IS easier to be in bondage, than to live free! Bondage is familiar and feels safe. Bondage is without choice, and sometimes it is making choices that can be so difficult and frustrating.

Take the time on this NEW YEARS EVE to examine your own life; do you feel like the Lord has promised you something and it isn't here? (getting impatient??)
Well what is KEEPING YOU in the desert? 
Don't make the mistake that the children of Israel (and well, even myself) have made and let your distrust and lack of obedience keep you in a stalling position!


What is it that you need to be learning in this season?
YOU could be the very thing holding you back!

Take a moment and write down times when the Lord has been faithful, and keep those in a place that you can reference back to in moments of frustration and doubt.

It's time to get out of the desert.

"God who answers prayer, sees me in my need. 

runs to my despair, Your promise I believe.

 That You are, You are, You are God...

I place all my hope in You, my Healer will see me through..

God who answers prayer, faithful You will be.

In my darkest hour, Your promise I believe."

["God Who Answers Prayer"-Elevation Worship]

Retrospection thru COFFEE-COLORED lenses.

It seems quite fitting that this coffee lover is ending the year in starbucks;
carmel machiatto in hand and a fine frenzy soothing my racing thoughts and typing fingers.

It has been a little bit of a minute since my last blog,
so I would make up for it by giving you little monsters a two-fer!

First I would like to take a minute just to look back on the year 2009, so if it's a little to much like a therapy session  for you, you are welcome to skip to the next blog :)

This time last year i was LITERALLY working as a waitress in a nice restaurant and making a good bit of money off of drunk new years enthusiasts. At midnight a champagne toast was had by all as everyone embraced one another. (even those that didn't like eachother. that was probably due to the alcohol) And as I cleaned up and headed back to my parent's house that night, I was both hopeful for a new year and saddened  for the closing of an old one. I'm a little bit sentimental, don't judge.


At the beginning of the year I began a job as an RA for Coastal. It was one of the situations that came about one week and I was hired the next.

At the end of the spring semester I was offered a promotion to become the Resident Director, which meant that I would supervise the RA's and be able to make decisions regarding programming, etc. (and to make a long story short---we were bought out by the school and I was no longer "qualified" for the job due to my status as a student, so now i'm the Assistant Resident Director. whatever :)  )

  Within the past year I moved into the cutest one bedroom apartment
 (it's actually small enough to probably qualify as a closet) and accomplished a goal of living by myself; as well as "quitting" (my boss swears i'm coming back) my job as a server. (who made a billion dollars a week) I traded in my life of financial luxury to work for pork & beans at Coastal.

Through this terrifying job transition, I learned that quality of life truly is more important than money.

I learned a lot this year about setting boundaries; relational, financial and career wise.

One of the biggest things I learned was the importance of communication.
Communicating relational intentions and expectations.
Communicating work expectations and the importance of time off.
Communicating needs. To family & to friends. (don't let pride keep you from asking for what you need)

This year I took a step towards ending an unhealthy pattern of attracting "wounded birds". I can't fix you and I can't save you.

This year I stood up for myself. I learned that you truly will go around a mountain as many times as it takes for you to learn what He wants you to.

So to the guy with the long hair & the one with the soul patch---it took me getting to the one with all the red flags to finally say that it's not ok to use me as a band-aid for your hurts. I'm not the one you use until the next one comes, I'm worth more.

I also learned something within myself. That if you say "i'm not dating" or "i'm being selective"--then I need to keep my word. it's not alright to say to someone that you don't want it to turn into anything, but act otherwise because you think you've covered your butt.

Last but certainly not least, I spent this year realizing that I have not been called to live the rest of my life caring my eating disorder as if it were my cross to bear. I have been called to be free.(and so have YOU, silly rabbit)  And with everyday, it is  another victory.

Within all the chaos, the fear and the tears that seemed to flow through-out this past year, I was reminded of the faithfulness of our Lord.

Don't worry, our Father really WILL take care of you. Even if it's through unconventional means, kind of like being the Chick-fil-A cow mascot :)

"Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?"

[matthew 6:26]

i face 2010 with courage and perseverance.

Grilled Cheese & Addiction

Obviously, I'm not average. So it wouldn't surprise you that sometimes (actually, often) I like to eat "non-breakfast" foods, for my breakfast of champions. 


This morning, it was a yummy grilled cheese. I was pretty excited about this cheesy wonder. This morning I sprang (after contemplating skipping my 8 am) out of bed, exciting about the thought of a grilled cheese--for breakfast! 


As I sat in my 70's orange & gold plaid chair, surfing the internet waves and enjoying my grilled cheese; I began contemplating life. Contemplating life, in a 70's plaid chair, enjoying a grilled cheese. I thought about what a sweet moment it was, because though it seems odd and maybe unknown to some of you, there was a time when moments like this were difficult. Were unconceivable. Because part of me is an addict. I have an issue.


In Matthew 9, there was a woman, who had an issue. 

 "Just then a woman who had hemorrhaged for twelve years slipped in from behind and lightly touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, "If I can just put a finger on his robe, I'll get well." Jesus turned—caught her at it. Then he reassured her: "Courage, daughter. You took a risk of faith, and now you're well." The woman was well from then on."
[vs. 20-22]


"A woman who had been bleeding for twelve years came up behind Jesus and barely touched his clothes. She had said to herself, "If I can just touch his clothes, I will get well.""
[vs. 20-21]


The Dictionary defines addiction as the following:
"the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, a giving over, surrender"




enslaved?


Most people begin an addiction to meet a need; perhaps a need for an escape. Like a narcotics user.


Or a need for a stress relief, a calming mechanism, like a smoker.


Or, if your addiction is of the eating type, it's a need for control.


But the scary thing about addiction is that even once the "need" has been resolved, since you have introduced that habit to your body, your body will still crave it.




Addictions come in all forms. And at the route of it all, addictions have to do with your heart. What are you fixated on? Just because you don't stick your veins or purge your food, that doesn't mean you don't have an addiction.

Think about King David, who had all he wanted and yet still craved Bathsheba, because there was an underlying issue.

What do you FIXATE on? Security? Finances? Relationships? Your Job? Your Kids? Your body? What about having something to Complain about?




The slogan for CHASE credit cards is "CHASE WHAT MATTERS" and that really stuck with me today. What are you CHASING?


Are you chasing or are you enslaved?

Where's your heart today?

"Why has your HEART carried you away?"

 [Job 15:12]

Procrastination, Soggy Days and a Restless Heart.

I've been procrastinating uploading articles to this blog for the past few hours to avoid studying for a math final. And so I shall procrastinate for a few more moments whilst sharing my heart today. Bare with me.


There is an epidemic going on. a relationship epidemic. an engagement epidemic. a wedding epidemic. all around me, friends are being proposed to by original songs in a candle- lit room or having a long lost love fly over oceans to profess their devotion in the midst of an airport. it all sounds like a movie. but it's the love stories of my friends. and now, i am the "single" one in my group of friends. now don't get me wrong, i'm independent and i can stand alone. but with all of the romantic-comedy-romances surrounding me, it can be a little hard to take a breath an keep trekking forward. 


so on this soggy day, i remind myself of something. that as my mom said, "God isn't hard of hearing". He hears my heart, as it beats for Him and longs to beat with a Companion. He sees my "No-TV-Tuesdays". (fasting day for my LOVE)


 And in Job i am reminded of the  chaos that has been the rain/floods the past few days,and its similarity to the chaos in my heart as of the last few weeks. It says in Job 37:6 " He orders the snow to blanket the Earth, and the rain, 'blanket the countryside' " .  


If He is the one who has the power to order  it, then He is the one who is in control  of it. 


He SPOKE to the weather, and made it do as he desired.


In Job 4:4 it says,  " YOUR WORDS supported those who have stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees"


My God is able to speak to cause rain to SOAK the Earth.
My God is able to speak and strengthen me.
My God is in control.


So even though the rain outside seems overwhelming and irritating. I HAVE to remind myself that MY GOD is the one who speaks the rain into being. MY GOD speaks strength to faltering knees and weary heart.


So next time you see rain pouring down, remember this: just as the Lord spoke to cause the rain, He also speaks to give strength to us in times when we waver or falter.


I know I will, I'm choosing to see His rain as a reminder of His strength.

"Listen closely to the thunder of His voice,

         And the rumbling that goes out from His mouth. 

    Under the whole heaven He lets it loose,

         And His lightning to the ends of the earth. 

   After it, a voice roars;

         He thunders with His majestic voice,

         And He does not restrain the lightnings when His voice is heard. 

    God thunders with His voice wondrously,

         Doing great things which we cannot comprehend. 

   For to the snow He says, 'Fall on the earth,'

         And to the downpour and the rain, 'Be strong.' 

    He seals the hand of every man,

         That all men may know His work. "

[job 37: 2-7]

The One With the "Soul Patch" (conclusion!)

...

At first, Guy could not help but be astonished and shocked by how short, or witty if you will, that I was able to be in a second’s notice. He also could not help asking my collegues if I was this pessimistic and negative all the time. (which every collegue of mine thought was hilarious, though they played along. ) But as the night went on, not only did Guy begin to find my “personality” endearing, but more importantly uncompromisingly intriguing. 
To make matters worse, instead of ignoring me, Guy began to play along.
Which I thought was cute.
AND, the first time I’d ever encountered this.
THIS WAS BIG.
By the end of the night, Guy and a collegue were choosing a food item to taste off the menu; and after giving an extensively negative review of every meal that I didn’t like and listing every reason that I didn’t like them, I was convinced Guy  would have had enough.
But no. In fact, when it came time for him to tell me that he was choosing the pasta mia nona, I turned to him and said
“ Don’t you want to know what I think about that dish?”
And in the most endearing way, he looked straight through my eyes, and with a glimmer of intrigue on his countenance, he said, 
“No, but I’m sure you are going to tell me”.
He didn’t turn away. He wasn’t turned off. He was intrigued. 
I was intrigued.
As my shift was coming to a close, I notice Guy addressing himself in a manner suggesting that he were leaving.  Being slightly panicked at the thought of our interesting interactions being finished, I looked at him and remarked  “So I kept you company while you ate, and you aren’t going to do the same for me?”. He smiled at me and said, “ Are you wanting me to stay and keep you company”. I replied, “that’s not what I said”. Smiling, he responded with, “I’ll be sitting at the bar waiting for you.”
As quickly as humanly possible, within mere minutes actually, I finished my side work, cashed out, ordered a salad and made a mad dash for my car to change into a tshirt.




   During the 60 seconds in my car, I managed to reapply under eye concealer in an attempt to make myself appear “bright”, reapplied a second  (or third) coat of mascara, a dab of chapstick and a splash of japanese cherry blossom body spray. 



   I ran almost all of the way back to the door, but managed to stop a few feet from the restaurant entrance in order to gain my composure and my breath.  I walked in with an air of confidence all around me, walked straight up to Guy and said, “is this seat taken?”.  Twirling his seat around to face me, wearing an enormously huge and quite possibly the cutest smile I’d ever seen, he said “oh I don’t know. I think someone might be sitting here.”  I said “OOH, I’m sorry. Let me try this once more.” Backing up a few feet, I proceeded to approach the seat again, look right at it and remark, “Oh look, a seat. Guess this one’s for me”, as I placed my purse in order to mark what was mine. 

       With a tiny bit of a boyish giggle, He looked at me and said, “well that was fast”.  Not quite understanding, I asked “What was fast?” “You finished your side work and everything and then magically changed all within a few moments. Anxious to get out here with me?”, He said. “No not at all, I just happen to be hungry”, an appropriate answer considering the fact that I was quite famished and also didn’t want to look desperate or needy. 



    We sat there side by side with a few seconds of silence between us, I glanced over simply to admire this man as he sat there beside me, tracing and retracing the rim of his glass.  My salad arrived, I took two bites, offered him one with a refusal and then proceeded to whirl my bar stool around so as to place my complete attention in his direction. “So”, I said, “we are going to play twenty questions. And this isn’t an option”. With a smirk and a twinkle that resignated in those hazel eyes, he said “I figured there wouldn’t be”. 

It was at this time, that I even began to surprise myself. Usually when in the presence of a particularly attractive male, I find that my verbal reaction time is at minimum, cut in half. But no, at this moment I found it like breathing to be able to come up with question after ridiculous question at a mili-second’s notice. 

“Have you ever or would you ever watch an episode of the golden girls?”
“(in awe) What?”
“Have you ever or would you ever watch an episode of CSI?”
“There are too many now, they are everywhere!”
“If you could be a cat, dog or a donkey, which would you be?”
“A donkey? Really? Are you serious? ( I nod) Well I love dogs, but I have two cats, so I’d have to say a cat”
Laughing,  I said “two cats? You have two cats? Isn’t that a little afeminite and quite possible homosexual? What are you, a fourty-year old bag lady?”
“Hey, don’t knock cats. I love cats, they are great. I love all animals, I just happen to have two cats. And they are two ladies that love me.”


“What are their names? That says a lot about a person and about their pet”
“Their names are Karma and Alf”
(Laughing even more so) “Karma and Alf? Wait, is the one named Karma like ‘what goes around, comes around’-type karma?”
“Well actually, it’s so I can say ‘ GOOOOD KARMA! BAAAAD KARMA!”
(Laughing still increasing) “And wait, is the other named Alf like the puppet from outer space?”
“You watched that show? (laughing) Oh man, I loved that show!”
“Ok, next question, who’s your favorite family guy character and why?”
“Hmmm… (thinking), I’d have to say the black guy”
Assuming that he didn’t actually watch the show and was just trying to come up with an answer, I shot back, “Seriously? The ‘black’ guy? What the heck? Do you even watch the show You must not know the characters.”
“Yes I watch the show. Listen, you tell me who your favorite character”
“Ok, that’s easy, Stewie”
“So you think I don’t know my characters, and I think you are conforming to the character that everyone chooses. I’m simply trying to be different and choose a lesser-known character.”




*Update: this guy is nice, but uses excuses like "i don't get cellphone service at work" in response to his not returning technological contact for two weeks.

The One With the "Soul Patch"

Another male-tale! This was written in the Spring of 2008. This is my personal favorite thus far!
*names have been changed.





I’m not really sure who ever the ridiculously intelligent idiot was that made the assumption that everything would make sense in the end.
How did he (or she) know for absolute certainty that EVERYTHING actually DOES work out in the end? And for that matter, what in the world signifies the “end” of something? Does this mean that I will awaken one day to realize that I have crossed the invisible finish “line”, to realize that whatever the issue was that had been haunting me  finally resolved itself and all  now all made sense.
If this were in fact true, then I would be left with the expectation, with the hope that one day I’ll wake up upon crossing this “finish line” and out of my computer would print an organized document relaying the meaning of all my previously unresolved frustration.  On that colored document would be graphs, charts and detailed paragraphs explaining every frustrating detail that I don’t understand about the 8th wonder of the world, men. 
I’m pretty sure that in only the short time span of the last month, I can probably calculate multiple times where I have taken a breath of triumph realizing that I indeed had figured out the labyrinth that is the mind of a man.  And now in this moment of retrospection, I realize that trying to conquer the mind of a man is like heading into a maze that you’ve never seen before, being void of the use of any of your five sense, while being set on fire.
Recently when I was relaying my male frustrations to a male in my life, he tried to justify the absolute immaturity of men to the fact that most men just don’t know what they want. My suggestion to a man that doesn’t know what he wants would be to keep his eyes, mouth and hands to himself until the moment of revelation that he realizes what he wants. A man seeking out a woman while he himself is void of direction, is like a starving woman heading to a Sam’s club and turning the corner to find free samples on every corner. 




     On this particular day, I was running late for work and not feeling at all like being a social being. Upon entering work, I approached the computer in an attempt to clock in, a minute late, only to feel the burning sensation of males eyes pulling apart my every feature. I looked up only to being staring through a thick glass window at the most attractive male I have every  had the pleasure of setting eyes upon. 
Let me paint a picture If I may; from the looks of it I would say this specimen was a little taller than 6 feet, hazel/green eyes, dark hair, medium complexion, a soul patch right below his lower lip and to frame this perfect face was the cutest pair of square glasses I’d ever seen. It also did not help that every little freckle on his face was just about placed at a perfectly calculated distance apart from one another. I honestly cannot tell you if I stared and if so whether my jaw was gapping or not.

    For pretty much anyone that’s ever spent more than half an hour with me, it’d be ridiculously easy to realize that the glasses on his face were the final touch in completing the most visually perfect person for me. 
Not to set my expectations too high, nor let myself expect too much, I decided that I would do everything in my power to be courteous but avoid mumbling over my words by avoiding contact as much as possible. Mission=survival. Survival=not embarrassing myself through the awkward attempts at conversation. 
I concentrated intensely on how many different routes to the hostess stand that I could take that we not take me past this young man. Because let’s be real, if I were to walk past him, more than likely, I’d trip.  After being at work for approximately 10 minutes or so, I decided to head to the ice bin in an attempt to look preoccupied.
Within moments of my tedious “work” at the ice bin this gentlemen proceed to walk from the booth he was lounging in, to the glass rack immediately beside me. He then began to fish his ice scoop in the very ice bin that I was “working” in. Our conversation proceeded something like this:


Him: well Helloooooo, and who are you?
Me: (in the most southern of ways) Hi! My name’s Mary Catherine. And you are?
Him: (attempting to be suave) Guy, my name’s Guy.
(extending my hand for a shake)
Me: It’s a pleasure to meet you. (turning back to my “work” in an attempt to look busy)
Him: Maaary Catheeerine. Is that what you go by? Or what about Mary? Or Catherine? Do you go by both like all the time or what?
Now at this point, I could see that he thought a good bit of himself and I, not at all being amused, decided to end this before he kept going with the names.
Me: It’s just Mary Catherine.  Both names. All the time.


    At this point, we were probably interrupted by something occurring in the kitchen, but nevertheless, our conversation came to a holt. For whatever reason, probably his lingering ego, I decided that from this moment forth I was not going to play the role of the drooling waitress that he’d probably encountered multiple time; but rather I was going to be a strong WOMAN 
By woman, I meant in control. And by strong, I meant that I wasn’t going to be flirtatious. 




For the rest of the night that ensued, I was intent on choosing to be the absolute opposite of my personality that was possible. All throughout the night, I was extremely negative, ridiculously pessimistic and overly short with everything Guy said to me. I figured that I’d show him who was boss, and he’d leave me alone before I clocked out at the evening’s end.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.


...

Pucker Up!

tired of scrapping the remnants of lip gloss off the sides of the tube? try this:
warm a cup of water in a mug for a minute.
set your lip gloss tubes in water, let sit for 15 minutes.


TA-DA! it melts the excess of the sides of the tube :)

The One With the Long Hair

So here's the first of many entries regarding an interesting male with whom I've encountered over the years. To protect privacy, I will refer the him as "the one with the long hair". I wrote the following in December of 2007. Enjoy!


“tell me not to care”
“don’t care”.


In that hospital bed laid  the epitome of everything I never wanted for myself, with the linger of alcohol sweating out of his pores. He had long hair. I despise long hair. He was loud, and not just a little loud; a majority of the time he was actually obnoxiously loud.  He was irresponsible. He was neither driven nor focused. He had no plan, no ambition, no money and a car that was breaking down. A far cry from the educated, financially secure, loving man of God that my dad expected for my life. A far cry from what I expected for myself. I far cry from the prince charming I dated previously. Anyone that knows me could have taken one look at him and known from the beginning that it would never work. Who was I kidding?  I knew it would never work. He was a flirt, I HATE flirts. He had a temper, I prefer slow to anger. He didn’t respond to conversation well, he wasn’t gentle and he  was a drunk. Not just a little bit of a drunk, he was an alcoholic. Not the “I-only-drink-in-social-settings” and not even the “I-throw-moderation-out-the-window-occasionally” kind of drunk. No. He genuinely loved alcohol more than he loved himself.  More than he loved life. 


At first glance he was repulsive to me. I found his flirtatious attack on every breathing specimen of a woman disgusting , and I found his amazing ability to make an excuse for everything, irritating. The second day we ever met, he asked me to dinner, which was shortly after I refused his offer for lunch. And as I walked out to my car that day having politely refused his somewhat joking advances, I laughed to myself. I laughed AT myself. I thought to myself how amazing it was that any girl would ever fall for such childish advances. How any girl could even put up with such immaturity and irresponsibility. I laughed because I thought it crazy that any girl could find the patience to be able to stand spending more than five minutes by his side, let alone pursue a relationship with this childish man. In my opinion his was over the top and absolutely ridiculous.  At yet  in that present moment, by his side in the trauma center; not caring was actually the ridiculous part.


How? How had the man, this childish man so captured my heart? I have this defense mechanism that I throw into gear whenever I feel myself letting someone in too close into my vulnerability. I choose to focus on what I don’t like about them. I not only choose to focus on what I don’t like about  them, I practically meditate on it until I’m completely turned off and able to detach myself almost seamlessly. It’s a pattern. It’s almost fool-proof. And it’s become routine. When I began to feel him moving in to close to that compartment in my body known as my heart, I focused heavily on  that long hair. That disgusting , long, brown hair that was so much so more beautiful than any girl that I knew. I focused on it so much so, that it began to make me naseous. And then just as this plan began to work, I found out the truth behind his long hair. It wasn’t some rebellious act proving masculinity, like I initially presumed. No, it was in actuality, his third time growing it out for locks of love. LOCKS OF LOVE! And with that news, the idea of focusing on  how much I despised his long hair, turned into rather beaming with the consideration that he had.
I was able to remain strong. I was able to focus on his drunken habits and loud mouth, until he’d look me in the eyes. He didn’t just look at me, he looked THROUGH me. No matter what was going on, whenever  he took the rare step of making eye contact with anyone, let alone me, the entire world stopped. I do believe that every planet in this galaxy stopped it’s rotation, only to allow the time needed for him to look at me with those crystal blue eyes and know exactly how many beats per minute my heart was racing. And while that all may have been a slight exaggeration, it is an exaggeration of the physical circumstances, but not an exaggeration of my emotional circumstance.


Never once in my life did the thought cross my mind  that one day I would be sitting in a hospital room, making the choice to. Open my heart up to hurt. Essentially, making the decision to hurt myself. Who was I kidding?  I was worth more than he could ever offer. I was worth someone who treated me lovingly 90% of the time, rather than 40% of the time.


Guard your heart. Guard your heart. Guard your heart Mary Catherine. Wait. But why are you holding my hand like that?  My dad holds my hand like that. Security holds my hand like that. The way he held my hand was comparable to how a well written song sounds; it catches your attention and holds your affection. 

April 23, 2008

i do.

i do believe in hope in the hopeless.

i do believe in strength in weakness.

i do believe that there is life in the dead in me.

i do believe that we were born to live free.

i do believe in the impossible.

i do believe that dreams are meant to come true.

i do believe that in all things there is purpose.

i do believe that you were meant for more.

i do believe that you are not forgotten.

i do believe that you are not alone.

i do believe that you have never been forsaken.

i do believe that you were never a mistake.

i do believe that nothing is a coincidence.

i do believe in meeting me where i am.

i do believe in unconditional love.

i do believe that you were made for greater things.

i do believe that you are here for a purpose.

i do believe that you can be who you've wanted to be.

i do believe in being undeserving.

i do believe that we will never be deserving.

i do believe that you aren't dead just because they've said you are.

i do believe that you are more than capable.

i do believe that your heart is still beating.

i do believe that it's never too late.

i don't believe that you were created merely to survive.

July 10, 2008

"finding JESUS, where i AM"

finding jesus where i am.

there are moments in your life, when you have to stop and realize that it is a moment unlike any other.

today i had one of those.

i spent this morning on the beach reading, reflecting and tanning by myself.
i decided to hit the beach a little early so that i could get in a good solid hours before the crowds came and before i went to work.

i turned my ipod on shuffle and just laid there soaking up the sun, the wind and every musical note. after a while i decided to turn onto my stomach so that not only could the other half of my body could get its fair share of sun but also so that i could read for a little while.

i've been reading a book entitled "they like jesus, but not the church" [dan kimball] which confronts the issue of the negative view that the world holds towards the church. over and over again this book stresses how the world is eager to learn about the teacher, the lover, the helper who was jesus; they just can't stand how the church acts a majority of the time. reading this book has begun to produce such a heavy burden to portray love. to master then concept of unconditional love; to conquer that first.

[but we can discuss all of that later]


to go along with that concept of love, i've been spending a majority of my time lately questioning and trying to figure out how to BE jesus and how to SHOW jesus to the world. to show His love. His passionate and courageous pursuit.

matthew 5 talks all about the "beatitudes", but if you exam verse 8 in the message version, it gives the scripture a slightly different outlook:
" "You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

see God in the outside world?
THAT'S what i'm searching for.


ok so back to my beach story...

so with all of this swirling around in my mind and beating inside the walls of my chest, i left my ipod on shuffle and (of all songs in the world ) celine dion's "then you look at me" came into play.

the first time i just let it play, not paying much attention as i read.
but then something caught my heart and my ear

"and life comes from you"

and life comes from you?
so i decided to play the song.
again.
and again.

by the third time, i was fully attentive to every word in the song:

Laugh and cry
Live and die
Life is a dream we're dreaming

Day by day
I find my way
Look for the soul and the meaning

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

People run
Sun to sun
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun
Life goes till it's gone
We have to go where it's going


And you say you see
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
As lost I have been
I'll find love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes from you. From you.


wow.
i decided to play the song one more time.
but this time, i closed my eyes and allowed myself to begin to worship.
right there. in the middle of the beach.
nothing extravagant. just lying there with my eyes closed, allowing myself to worship.
to a celine dion song.

and this something happen.
a scripture came to mind.
a picture came to my mind.
a picture of jesus.
a picture of his love.

the parable of the one lost sheep began to play out in my mind.
all of the sheep were there, all 99.
but that wasn't what jesus wanted.
he wanted 100.
he wouldn't settle.

so he left the flock,
to look for that one.

he left the flock to look for that one?

i could just see him.
looking around.
not mad.
not sad.
just looking.
intently .

and then he sees that little sheep.
it was me.
it was you.

that little sheep was sitting there.
jesus came and sat by it.
he asked the little sheep what happened.

the little sheep said that he didn't want to be with the flock anymore.
the little sheep didn't like how the flock treated oneanother.
jesus smiled at the little sheep, picked it up and said
"let's try this one more time my little sheep".



i laid on the beach as the song finished, not sure what just happened. maybe i'd dosed a bit? or maybe, it was moment shared between the father and i.

you know what amazes me?

well first, that jesus left that entire flock to look for that one little sheep.
do you ever allow yourself to really think about that?

secondly, that i found the lord on the beach, by myself, listening to celine dion.

is that how that little sheep felt?
when jesus saw the sheep, did he tell the little sheep that the reason he loved life so was because of him?".

i felt humbled this morning on the beach.
but i felt so much hope, because i realized that if i could find jesus on beach while listening to celine dion, when i didn't even "invite him";

how much more would we find Him if we did invite Him?

if we sought Him ?



does this make any sense?

because it's just a thought.
just a thought.

Well Hello!

I'm just a TWENTY SOMETHING who is journeying through life's hiccups and collecting HUMOROUS tales along the way! The next day or so I will just be reposting some old blogs, and some previously "unpublished" material regarding the interesting & entertaining male encounters I've had over the past few years. Posts may vary from day to day depending on my mood or my crazy thought process but I look forward to using this to share insights, triumphs, failures, recipes and fun little tid bits with whomever comes along for the ride! So grab a cup of coffee, and join me as I journey through life in my twenties!Publish Post