Rest.

One of my favorite features of Facebook is the "On This Day" Memories feature, I look forward to it every day. Some days it's fun to see how far the Lord has brought me, sometimes it's cringy to see stupid posts and sometimes it hard to see the hard times but they bring me to reflect on highs and faithfulness.

Recently, I saw where last year I asked the Lord for a word to declare regarding 2019 and I believe strongly that I heard the word "deliverance". My heart sank. I didn't feel I'd experienced deliverance. My initial reaction was that 2019 had more lows than highs. 2019 felt dark and like a blur. It felt lonely and like a fog of hopelessness that would only briefly lift every once in a while.

I was irritated. Had I been lied to? Had I been failed?

I felt weary of God. And then I felt shame that I felt that way.

So what was the deal? As I went down the rabbit hole of studying the word deliverance, I came across two ideas that stuck with me:

 1. the idea of deliverance to mean cleansing 

2. the idea of deliverance referring to 'to free' 

 Are we told we will be completely cleansed? Nope. It's a cleans-ING, suggesting on going. It's active. To free suggest active, ongoing, rather than to say "be freed". There's a difference.

Was I completely "cleansed"? No.

 Had a I spent the year cleansing whether it be through trying various medications and switching to some intense therapy? Yes. Had it been spent identifying deep wounds and trigger points and spiritual ties?  Yes. I had been taking inventory. I had been cleansing.

Was I completely free? HA! No.

But was I moving in that direction? Yes! Part of the "to free" is to figure out what keeps you bound whether spiritually, emotionally, mentally or otherwise. 

So had I been failed? 

NO.

In 2 Kings 4, we see a woman who is struggling financially, reach out to the Prophet Elijah to ask for assistance to address outstanding debt and his response to her was "what do you have in your house?" (vs. 2) . 

What is my point?

So often, I think we focuses on what we don't have or what we haven't accomplished rather than what we do. When we view life through the lens of shame, we will see failure and lack. 

2019, was still deliverance  because I was progressing.

My word for 2020 is "rest". Which seems funny to me because I slept an awful lot in 2019. But I wasn't resting but rather I was in a constant state of worry and panic that left me paralyzed and it felt like my only escape was to sleep (when I could slow the racing thoughts enough). 

I did not rest with others.

I did not rest in the present.

I did not rest in contentment.

I rested in shame that I wasn't doing enough. That I wasn't "getting better".

I slept out of desperation to escape which wasn't resting at all.

So friends, find your rest and be kind to yourselves. 

What do you have?