I'm a therapist so I've worked with my fair share of individuals with anxiety or panic disorder. However, had you told me that there would be a time when I had a panic attack in the middle of the state fair or there were days when showering was all the effort I could muster I would not have believed you.
Approximately a year ago this month I had my first panic attack while leading worship and I had no idea what was going on. My body felt hot and cold at the same time, my heart was racing, my limbs were tingly and I felt like I was going to die. It wasn't until I mentioned this to a co-worker that she said "Mary Catherine, you just had a panic attack" and sure enough what I experienced was text book.
In September I began seeing a Psychiatry NP who began me on medications where side effects were almost more unbearable compared to what I was experiencing through mental illness. But I wanted to get better so I stuck with it.
My anxiety began to grow fairly rapidly; one day I was just anxious about leading worship and the next thing I knew I was compulsively checking for my keys while on vacation or being afraid to drive. The darkest time was over Christmas break when I had two weeks off from work because that's when I had so much free time that I started to drown in anxiety. I struggled to shower or even let our dog out let alone be a fully present wife. I was anxious ALL OF THE TIME, like physically shaky and literally afraid ALL OF THE TIME. I stopped leading worship, I didn't attend any holiday parties and I cried a lot because I couldn't make myself interact with the outside world.
There were people in my life that didn't understand and that's OK because the didn't have to because I knew what I was facing was real. But not just real, it was an assault on my life.
Right before Christmas was when I knew something had to give. I wasn't functioning. I was forcing myself to eat one meal a day and for the first time in my life I had this strange urge to self harm. THIS was what scared me the most because that's just not in my nature.
So I did three things:
I went to my NP, bawling, and told her something had to change. So we changed my medication.
I let my close circle of people in my life in on my suffering.
I worshiped even when it was exhausting and I felt abandoned by God.
I wish I could tell you that I spent time in the word and blasted worship music and all of the sudden got better. Well, it didn't happen like that. I've been walking through a dark and difficult 6-is months and have had to put in the work to get better. Finding the right combinations of medication, forcing myself to sit in the sun because Vitamin D, exercising, attending therapy, weeping in Word for some morsel of truth and pushing myself to be vulnerable with people.
Psalm 13:5 (AMP version) says
"But I have trusted and relied on and been confident in Your loving kindness and faithfulness"
Sometimes we are very quickly delivered from the fire and sometimes we are in the fire so we are forced to rely on Him.
Suffering is hard and it's different for every person. But hold tight to His promises because He's been faithful in the past which is encouragement that He hasn't left you now to die.
***EDIT: I led worship again for the first time this Sunday in many months, so I'm on the upswing***
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