For me, this means that I lie to myself about how vulnerable I am; I convince myself that I'm "real" and "open" but truthfully I have an unspoken limit as to how much and what I will share (which borders on being completely fake and hypocritical).
I'm not talking about having boundaries, that's fine. I mean I will gladly talk about my past with depression but have yet to publicly talk about my recent onset of panic attacks that have caused me to take a break from leading worship.
Censoring our vulnerability defeats the concept of vulnerability.
It's fairly easy for me to talk about my previously abusive relationship because in that case I've come out to be victorious, however, it's not easy to talk about how painful an adjustment marriage has been because I'm still in the thick of it.
The fear with vulnerability is that we could be judged or minimized, so instead, I (we) choose to just show parts of ourselves. It's like "I'll show you the scar from this previous bear attack I survived but I won't show you the gushing wound in my arm because I don't know how you'll react to what I'm dealing with now so I won't risk it".
Recently in my own personal therapy session I realized that I'm usually only vulnerable in situations in which I feel power. I can be vulnerable with someone who is having a hard time if it's me "helping" them by sharing them my past struggles but I rarely if ever venture into my current challenges. Because it could make me appear weak or as if I'm not a reliable source for "help".
Doesn't that sound silly? But I do it. A lot.
I've been doing a lot of research with Brene Brown's work recently and this is one of the most meaningful concepts I've come across thus far:
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” (Brene Brown)
As nice as that sounds, what does it mean? I means that if people really truly knew us, knew we were real people who are currently facing struggles rather than people who have just always victoriously arose from situations, they could deeply love us. It'd make us more connected to not only a greater sense of hope but also a greater sense of connection.
It starts with examining the why. Why do I feel to show censored vulnerability? Why do I struggle to give a more truthful answer than "just chugging along" when someone asks how I am. While it may feel like I'm protecting myself from hurt, in actuality, I'm preventing people from being able to truly love me because they don't truly know me.
And that feels fake.
So here's to trying.
Here's to be more intentional even in baby steps of opening up to people fully, even if that baby step is giving a more specific answer than "just chugging along". Baby steps are me sharing that marriage is a rewarding but painful adjustment and that panic attacks make you feel powerless.
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