Doubting God.

This is by far the most intimate, messy post I've ever shared with the public; some things have no way to be made pretty but rather must be seen for what they are, mud and all.

 I have gotten my heart broken. When relationships end, especially when intimacy is involved, the untangling becomes a tedious process of unwrapping each other from one another's lives. There is no way to speed up the process. The pain comes in waves. Recently I journaled about this pain,

"One minute I'm fine and then something will trigger me. Suddenly I feel chills all over my body, my chest tightens and I begin to feel my grip on my emotions slipping. Every kiss, every laugh, every fight, every goodbye, every reunion floods back in an instant. This emotional onslaught is far worse than the most severe loneliness"

The Creator never wanted to me to feel this. It wasn't part of His master plan.
I don't even know if he planned to design
 us the ability to cope 
with these emotions
 because He never intended us to face them.
I believe He heals and extends us grace, but He never intended or wanted anyone to hurt like this.


Unfortunately, it is seen time after time in the Word that great pain is often times preceded by great rebellion. I am no different. My rebellion started as many do, by doubting God.

As I was approaching my 23rd birthday and my college graduation, I began to wonder why I hadn't dated anyone since I was 17. This irritation with loneliness was made worse when I found out the graduate program I wanted to join was no longer in operation (this was found out in the middle of studying for the GRE for the program). I was irritated with God, so I began to seek out a relationship.  I had worked with this handsome gentleman for several years at work and began to pursue conversation and time with him.  I had always believed that the Lord was Lord enough to connect my path with a man, so the fact that I was actively pursuing someone (instead of vice versus) was out of character for me and my beliefs.  Out of frustration I was taking my love life into my own hands, in this I showed I doubted God and His ability. 



In Genenis 16, we see where Sarai (who knew she had been promised children by the Creator) began to doubt God's ability and His promise. She, much like me, took matters into her own hands.  And by doing so brought hurt and despair upon herself and her husband. 

"The Lord has kept me from having children, Go sleep with my maidservant;

perhaps I can build a family through her" (vs. 2)

Eve also doubted God. (Genesis 3)  The serpent came to her and began to question as to why she couldn't eat the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, Eve began to think that God was keeping something great from her.  She began to question if God was keeping wisdom from her and desired to have everything that was good and pleasing. Why would God keep something "wonderful" from her? So not only did she eat but she gave to husband.

1. Many times when we doubt God and rebel,

 we bring others down with us. 

By me doubting God, overtime I compromised my

 morals in front of the guy I was dating.  

Whether I was conscious of it or not, 

I showed that morals can change and that Christians can be hypocrites. 

After a while, I was a poor example of what a Christian woman should be. 

2. When we doubt God and rebel,

 there will be pain and repercussions. 

For Sarai, she began to resent her servant Hagar. 

There was also strife between her and her husband,

 "You are responsible for my suffering" (Genesis 16:5). 

There is also the matter of the son born out of this situation, Ishmael, 

who became a present day source of strive as the "ForeFather" in the middle east.

 Now THOSE are some lasting repercussions.

For Eve, she caused herself and her husband to be

 banished from the Garden of Eden and thus loose the initial

 relationship God designed them to have with him. 

Her choice also had far reaching repercussions

 that are felt today, " I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing" (Genesis 3:16)

.

I don't believe that there are repercussions and pain because God is some evil Santa Claus sitting on a lightening bold casting down judgement upon us; I do however believe that every choice that has a consequence of some sort.  Because of my doubt, I involved a man in a year and a half of pain. Something born out of rebellion can never be something that is blessed.  Because of my doubt and rebellion, choices were made that can never be undone. Because of my doubt and rebellion there are now two hearts, mine and his, that will have to go through the horrific process of healing in order to love again. Regardless of the situation, when feelings are involved like those of love & affection, it takes time and an active effort to move past it.


 This was not what God intended, but it how things are. God is still gracious and is still able "IN ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). Don't get me wrong, this still hurts daily and will for a while. I am not ok but I will be. God is healing and redeeming me, but let this be a loving reminder that God is still God and we are not.