What I know of God.

I don't know much but there some truths that I cling to;
In times of hurt, joy, confusion or clarity I cling to what I know of God. 


He binds up wounds.

" If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ,then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land"                                                                                                                                       2 Chronicles 7:14

He heals.

"He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners."                                                                                Isaiah 61:1

He revives. 

"to revive the spirit of the lowly and revive the heart of the contrite"                                    Isaiah 57:15

He hears me.

"You heard from heaven and in your compassion you delivered them time after time"   Nehemiiah 9:29 

He will restore and sustain.

"to restore me the joy of Your salvation and grant me and willing spirit to sustain me"        Psalm 51:12

 He won't leave me dry or without what I need.

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. "                                                                                                                        Isaiah 58:11

He will never leave me.

"but You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them."                                                                    Nehemiah 9:17

"but He will heal us...but He will bind up our wounds.

After two days He will revive us; and on the third day He will restore us,

that we may live in His presence. Let us press on to acknowledge 

the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. 

As surely as the sun rises, He will appear;

He will come to us like the winter rains, 

like the spring that rains that

waters the Earth"

Hosea 6:1-3

 

Doubting God.

This is by far the most intimate, messy post I've ever shared with the public; some things have no way to be made pretty but rather must be seen for what they are, mud and all.

 I have gotten my heart broken. When relationships end, especially when intimacy is involved, the untangling becomes a tedious process of unwrapping each other from one another's lives. There is no way to speed up the process. The pain comes in waves. Recently I journaled about this pain,

"One minute I'm fine and then something will trigger me. Suddenly I feel chills all over my body, my chest tightens and I begin to feel my grip on my emotions slipping. Every kiss, every laugh, every fight, every goodbye, every reunion floods back in an instant. This emotional onslaught is far worse than the most severe loneliness"

The Creator never wanted to me to feel this. It wasn't part of His master plan.
I don't even know if he planned to design
 us the ability to cope 
with these emotions
 because He never intended us to face them.
I believe He heals and extends us grace, but He never intended or wanted anyone to hurt like this.


Unfortunately, it is seen time after time in the Word that great pain is often times preceded by great rebellion. I am no different. My rebellion started as many do, by doubting God.

As I was approaching my 23rd birthday and my college graduation, I began to wonder why I hadn't dated anyone since I was 17. This irritation with loneliness was made worse when I found out the graduate program I wanted to join was no longer in operation (this was found out in the middle of studying for the GRE for the program). I was irritated with God, so I began to seek out a relationship.  I had worked with this handsome gentleman for several years at work and began to pursue conversation and time with him.  I had always believed that the Lord was Lord enough to connect my path with a man, so the fact that I was actively pursuing someone (instead of vice versus) was out of character for me and my beliefs.  Out of frustration I was taking my love life into my own hands, in this I showed I doubted God and His ability. 



In Genenis 16, we see where Sarai (who knew she had been promised children by the Creator) began to doubt God's ability and His promise. She, much like me, took matters into her own hands.  And by doing so brought hurt and despair upon herself and her husband. 

"The Lord has kept me from having children, Go sleep with my maidservant;

perhaps I can build a family through her" (vs. 2)

Eve also doubted God. (Genesis 3)  The serpent came to her and began to question as to why she couldn't eat the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, Eve began to think that God was keeping something great from her.  She began to question if God was keeping wisdom from her and desired to have everything that was good and pleasing. Why would God keep something "wonderful" from her? So not only did she eat but she gave to husband.

1. Many times when we doubt God and rebel,

 we bring others down with us. 

By me doubting God, overtime I compromised my

 morals in front of the guy I was dating.  

Whether I was conscious of it or not, 

I showed that morals can change and that Christians can be hypocrites. 

After a while, I was a poor example of what a Christian woman should be. 

2. When we doubt God and rebel,

 there will be pain and repercussions. 

For Sarai, she began to resent her servant Hagar. 

There was also strife between her and her husband,

 "You are responsible for my suffering" (Genesis 16:5). 

There is also the matter of the son born out of this situation, Ishmael, 

who became a present day source of strive as the "ForeFather" in the middle east.

 Now THOSE are some lasting repercussions.

For Eve, she caused herself and her husband to be

 banished from the Garden of Eden and thus loose the initial

 relationship God designed them to have with him. 

Her choice also had far reaching repercussions

 that are felt today, " I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing" (Genesis 3:16)

.

I don't believe that there are repercussions and pain because God is some evil Santa Claus sitting on a lightening bold casting down judgement upon us; I do however believe that every choice that has a consequence of some sort.  Because of my doubt, I involved a man in a year and a half of pain. Something born out of rebellion can never be something that is blessed.  Because of my doubt and rebellion, choices were made that can never be undone. Because of my doubt and rebellion there are now two hearts, mine and his, that will have to go through the horrific process of healing in order to love again. Regardless of the situation, when feelings are involved like those of love & affection, it takes time and an active effort to move past it.


 This was not what God intended, but it how things are. God is still gracious and is still able "IN ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). Don't get me wrong, this still hurts daily and will for a while. I am not ok but I will be. God is healing and redeeming me, but let this be a loving reminder that God is still God and we are not.

Reality TV, Infants and Jesus.

I cannot tell a lie, I love reality TV. (even if it's more like scripted television just with less airbrushing)  I also enjoy semi-reality shows like "Unwrapped", showing the origin of some of our favorite foods; or "How It's Made", showing how every day & extraordinary things are made. I enjoy researching, google-ing and generally figuring things out. Thus I've been going back to basics in regards to my relationship with the Creator. 

What I've found are some foundations for my relationship with Him based upon Isaiah 43:10:

"So that you may know and believe me 

and understand that I am He"

Know: in Hebrew: Yada: 

(this word in Hebrew has a TON of definitions so I chose a few key ones)

"to know intimately, to recognize ,

[God] to be revealed"

Believe: Aman: 

"to trust in, rely upon"

* when you examine the verb pattern in Hebrew,

Aman  expresses the basic   concept of support

and is used in the sense of a parent supporting a helpless infant*

Understand: Tavun:

"the verbal root (Banah) means to build,

so in order to build or construct something, 

we must be able to understand the process"

It's becoming obvious to me that in my quiet time, there is a theme that keeps appearing: recognizing the work of the Lord in my life:  depending on Him entirely and understanding His love so that I don't get discouraged with my process. When you feel like you've continually been stripped (whether due to poor choices or life happenings) the only thing you can do is seek to the see the greater process at work in order to preserve your sanity.

In short, I believe that this day and every day the Lord desires that we work to be able to recognize him, rely on him like an infant would a parent and seek to understand the process we are walking through in order to understand what He is building and designing in us.

" For everything, absolutely everything,

above and below, visible and invisible...

everything got started in him 

and finds its purpose in Him"

Colossians 1:16 (MSG)

"You repair all that we have torn

and You unveil a new beginning in our hearts

and we stand grateful for all that has been

left behind and all

that goes before us""

(" Mended")

Bert and Ernie

"Guess who's back, back again..."

MC's back! tell a friend!

I want a friend like Bert and Ernie were friend; they were always there for each other and for goodness sake Ernie was comfortable enough for Bert to see him while in the tub with his rubber ducky! (hold the jokes)

I believe the heart of the Creator in designing each of us was designing us with the innate need to have friendships and not just friendships but intentional, deep friendships. We were never created to be wolf packs of one.

The Word provides multiple great examples of intentional friendships but I wanted to focus on two:

David & Jonathan

Noah & his sons

I believe covenant (unconditional)  friendships (relationships in general) are made up of two things:

1. Vulnerability

2.Grace & Favor

Let me show you how I've come to this conclusion. In 1 Samuel 18:3-4 you see the friendship of Jonathan & David modeled which becomes a great model for the type of relationship we were designed to have. You see Jonathan first show incredible grace and favor to David.

" And Jonathan made a covenant with David

because he love him as himself.  

Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing 

and gave it to David, 

along with his tunic"

(verses 3-4)

David was in no way royalty (at this point in time)

and did not deserve this robe that signified royalty.

I believe relationships (all types) go through

ebbs and flows; at some point one partner 

is pouring into the other and vice versus.

Because Jonathan loved David as himself,

he identified an opportunity to show him grace & favor.

Now onto the part of relationships (friendship or otherwise) that is most difficult for most people, including myself: vulnerability. This is a personal struggle for me because it's always a piece of cake to be around people when life is peaches and cream, but when I'm covered in mud and struggling I usually keep to myself. We make deeper connections with people when we let them see our pain; our fear is that they couldn't love us if they really knew us when in fact because they really know us they can love really love us. 

In Genesis 9:20-23  you see Noah, obviously a man of 

greatness and great accomplishment (a freaking ark!!!); but like us,

his life and choices sometimes got messy.

We see in these verses that Noah drank some wine and  

proceeded to get drunk to the point where he laid

down in his tent NAKED AS A JAY BIRD.

In that moment he was vulnerable and because of the 

relationship he had established with his sons,

instead of pointing out his vulnerability it says

"But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid

it across  their shoulders; then they walked in backward

and covered their father's nakedness"

(verse 23)

We see Jonathan's vulnerability with David in verse 4, 

" [he gave] even his sword".  

In that day, it was unusual for a man to be without his weapon, 

his source of protection and yet Jonathan became vulnerable before David. 

I want to be a friend who shows 

grace, favor & vulnerability,

so that my relationships will be all 

that they were intended to be.

I don't want superficial friendships,

I want intentional ones.

the parable of the taxi driver

During my recent adventures, I got to do something I've yet to do: ride in a taxi. And during this taxi ride, I was reminded of what God desperately wants from us.

but first.....

I would like to acknowledge that I AM the person who

tries to get to know my waitress while dining at a restaurant

and I AM the person who talks to the cashier at the grocery;

I have been made fun of for all this but now you'll see why...

As I buckled my seatbelt, the taxi driver turned to me and asked if the music he was playing was ok to play with me in the vehicle or if I'd like him to change it. He was playing southern gospel, my pappy would have been proud.

Now I mean no offense or harm but "I saw the light", "In the sweet by and by" and "when I get to heaven" aren't exactly what tickles my musical taste buds; but I saw the heart behind this taxi driver, HE didn't want to offend ME.

It was clear this man and I were going to have an interesting time while together because I could barely understand him and I think he couldn't understand me at all. (all this time I thought I didn't have a southern accent...) At some point during the ride it came up that I work for Christ for the Nations Institute, and as I'm learning, here in the Christian communities in Texas people are well aware of CFNI.

He asked what I do ("do you have a title or importance?") and I said that I worked getting international students in the country to attend CFNI and keeping all their paperwork to KEEP them here. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if this man heard me considering he was BELTING out every lyric that played; but oh he heard me. He became overjoyed and said "that's GREAT that's GREAT! God will bless you for helping people come here". 

I asked this man if he attended a church and he said that he and his family went to an Indian Pentecostal Church. (now that's a first, ever heard of one of those?!)

Something my parents have started doing is asking

their server at restaurants if there is anything they can

pray for them about. So in this moment, I felt

led to ask this taxi driver if there was anything

I could pray for him about.

You know what he said? He had failed the bar exam and was taking it again in July.

Did you hear that? 

This taxi driver was an educated man who went to

 law school in India and was taking the bar exam again

 to practice law here in Texas.

you don't know ANYTHING about someone

until you ask.

EVERYONE has a dream,

and like you & I,

EVERYONE has spent

time doing something that wasn't

their "dream" during the waiting

period.

The story ends with me praying for this man right there 

in his car, and as I prayed for him

it was precious to me that he began

to cry out to God in both his

native tongue and in English.

So make fun of me for talking to my waiter,  or the cashier or the nail tech.

But if we don't show the Love of God, who will?

If we don't pause our daily lives to inquire about others,

are we showing the Love of Christ?

"no one has ever seen God,

but if we love one another,

God lives in us and His love

is made complete in us"

1 John 4:12  

how to set your cubicle on fire.

sometimes you just have frustrating days at work, school, home, etc...


yesterday was one of those days. most times you can't even pinpoint ONE THING you are getting frustrated with, it just all seems to jump on your back like a barrel of rabid monkeys.


when I got home last night, it was all I could do to hang my coat up before breaking into a
 snotty-crying-(as dane cook would call it)-"i did my best"-pity party.


I was upset about something I think is quite common,
 I felt forgotten and insignificant.

Like the children of Israel, 

I was delivered  and set free 

into this new season and I haven't 

even been here a week and I was 

upset about all I felt I gave up coming here.

*side note: I am more free now with no 

furniture than I ever felt when I was

living "my own life" and felt I had everything.

"was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? what have you done to us by bringing us out Egypt? ...it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert" (Exodus 14:11-12)

 Did God have me give up a comfortable place using my gifts and being affirmed on regular basis to work in a cubicle being frustrated by tons of information I don't understand nor truly have a passion for?!

NO.

So HERE is how to set your cubicle on fire:

(or your house, your desk, your deep fryer)

go into it today and think:

1. Who was here before me?

2. Who will be here after me?

3. Am I stupid for thinking God doesn't know what He is doing?

(YES!)

Let me tie this all together:

I may be sitting in cubicle working 

through mounds and mounds of international

paperwork, but WHERE

am I sitting?

The ministry I work for

is the birth place of Kari Jobe 

and more specifically her most famous song,

"Revelation Song".

God didn't bring me hear to die, or to smother my gifts & talents

under a pile of I-20s, I-539s and I-90s!

You aren't flipping burgers because God doesn't care about your dream,

you are there BECAUSE of the plans God has for you: 

it is THERE that God will either

a) teach you something vital to your destiny

b)connect you with someone who will launch you into your destiny

c) all of the above!

Go set your 

cubicle,

home,

desk,

fry station,

on fire today by purposing to see what 

God IS doing

what God HAS done

and what God WILL do through and after you.

by the way,

I saw an interview last night

where Kari Jobe originally turned down

"revelation song" the first time she heard

it . what if she hadn't given it 

a second chance and seen it through 

God's eyes?

 

parable of being a whore

it is STUPID crazy to think of just how different a year ago  was.
it's stupid crazy to think of what i've walked through this year with Jesus...and even some without Him...


I've spent some time as a whore, and whether you recognize it or not...so have YOU.

let me explain...

did you know that the Dictionary defines a whore or prostitute as two things: (besides the definition we already know)

1. a person who willingly uses his or her 

talent or ability in abase and unworthy way,

 usually for money.

2.to put to any base or unworthy use: 

to prostitute one's talents.

another version of this definition says

"to put oneself to an unworthy use"

do you hear that?

 when we don't see ourselves as God sees us,

when we put ourselves to an unworthy use,

when we don't use our gifts to the fullest ability,

we are being a whore.

but you know what? the Lord is the ultimate builder and restorer. 

but in order to restore something, it must first be in pieces.

" I will pour her stones into the valley

and lay bare her foundations.

all her idols will be broken to pieces

all her temple gifts will be burned with fire.

i will destroy all her images.

Since she gathered her 

gifts [possessions] from the wages of prostitution .."

(micah 1:6-7)

i don't know where you are but here is where I am:

I feel like I've been stripped

 of everything I've known

the past year.

But the desire of the heart of the Father 

is that we be used to our fullest potential.

He is a dreamer, a BIG one ,

who wants to see those come to past in His loves.

so sometimes we find ourselves stripped.

sometimes we feel naked and like we've lost everything we had;

relationships, finances, job security, vehicles, independence.

what have you lost?

take heart, God is wiping out all reminders of your former life in which you didn't live up to your full potential. So that He can start fresh with you. It hurts but the gain will blow your mind and cause you to not think twice about what you think you've lost.  

wait and see what you are about to gain.

what seems like wreckage now,

will one day be know as a new beginning...