dust.

it has been years, probably close to three, since i've sat down at the piano and written.
well, the creative dam has begun to break and what oozed out of my heart comes from Psalm 103:14

"For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust."


trust in the Lord;
with all my heart,
with all my understanding.
for Your understanding;
it formed the oceans,
and all of me.


Your intricate design,
is so much,
higher than mine.
i'm  a sparrow You watch over.
watch over me,
for I am,
dust.


I am a lilly,
of the valley,
that sways with You.
I set my feet,
I set my gaze,
on the waves,
You walk on.

Your intricate design,

is so much,
higher than mine.
I'm  a sparrow You watch over.
watch over me,
for I am,
dust.

(bridge)
I am dust,
You know my frame.
I've been released,
I've been redeemed,
You broke my shame.
I'm not ashamed.

Your intricate design,
is so much,
higher than mine.
I'm a child You watch over,
watch over me,
for I am dust.



I'm sharing this because I'm trudging through deep matters of the heart and I believe that as I begin to step out and show even raw parts of me; others will have the courage to begin to heal as well. plus, I was super stoked to be writing music again :)

I am weak. I fail. I'm an addict. I'm redeemed. I'm going to be singing a new song.

" O sing to the LORD a new song, For He has done wonderful things, His right hand and His holy arm have gained the victory for Him."
 (Psalm 98:1)

In the next post, I will be sharing about my personal dust.

the parable of $1.49

i was on a food lion mission: a) get ingredients for alien cupcakes. b) make sure the 7 year old and 5 year old (Victoria & Daniel)  with little shopping carts don't run into eachother, causing some sort of bodily injury or injury otherwise.

green food coloring. check.
eggs. check.
mix. check.
chocolate frosting check.
diverting multiple cart collisions within a 2.5 minute time period. check.

I headed to the check out, tired of talking to the kids about not running into eachother as "airplanes" and ready to get out of the store. As I walked up to the counter, I overheard the cashier telling the customer in front of me "it's $1.49"; the customer looked let down and headed to the soda aisle to put back a liter of Coca-Cola. The cashier yelled after the lady "I need you to bring it back here so I can scan and void the purchase", so once again the woman in her overly large and tattered black sweatshirt and sunglasses still worn to cover her eyes,had to turn back around and get the Coca Cola. At this point I was embarrassed for the customer and intriguied about the situation, I spoke quietly to the cashier and said "is she short money?"; when the cashier replied yes I ask how much the lady was short, "$1.49".  I didn't even take a breath before I said "what? I've got it." I handed over the money and the transaction was complete right as the woman was coming back with the drink in hand, thinking it was to void it.

I turned to the woman, touch her elbow and said "don't worry, I've got it." The woman lifted her glasses and said "What?" as her eyes softened and she processed what I was saying. She opened her hand and said, "I've got $.40 if you want it"; I smiled and said "no worries". She stared at me for a second or two and then said, "What's your name?" "Mary Catherine", I answered. She got closer to me and said "I'd hug you but I don't even know you and that might be kind of weird", so instead she resolved to pat/half hug me. As she turned around to walk out, she turned around several times to look back at me, until right before she stepped out of the door she said once more "What's your name? Because I want to tell people about this", I smiled and said again "Mary Catherine". She said, "Thank you Mary Catherine, you're a lifesaver. You don't even know, You're a life saver". 

I thought about this encounter for the rest of the day; focusing on the fact that the woman was SO SURPRISED that someone would be kind and help her out in such a small and reasonable way. Why are people surprised when we love the world?

$1.49 didn't even take me  a second to think through, it was such a feasible way to love someone. Why don't we do it more often?

Later in the day, I pulled in behind a man and his mom pumping gas into their car at the gas station;they both had to use the passenger side door to get in because it was the only door that worked. As they drove away, I saw that they only put $5.00 in their tank, I wished that I had been there sooner so I could have just suprised them by putting gas into their car; but I prayed for them as they drove away and resolved I WOULD buy gas for a stranger soon.

When I use to work at Chick-Fil-A, we use to have days where a chain would start: someone would pay for not only their food, but also the food for the car behind them. Sometimes that chain would go on for an hour, it was so beautiful. Once, one man in a car bought the food for a van full of people who he felted needed it. Another time, my dad looked in his rearview mirror to see a mother with multiple kids in a drive thru, he decided to love her by paying for her food.

The world won't care how much we know, unless they know how much we care.

"What good is it my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Suppose your brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him; ' Go I wish you well; keep warm and well fed'  but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself , if not accompanied by action, is dead"

(James 2:14-17)

de·fined /dɪˈfaɪn/ [dih-fahyn]

de·fine   /dɪˈfaɪn/ Show Spelled [dih-fahyn]
1.to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of; describe: to define judicial functions.

2.to fix or lay down definitely; specify distinctly
3.to determine or fix the boundaries or extent of: to define property with stakes.
4.to make clear the outline or form of


you aren't defined but what you have done.
you aren't defined by what you are doing.
you aren't defined by what you will do.

hear me when I say that you don't have identify yourself with choices you've made that you feel make you inadequate. we have never been loved or defined by what we've done, nor will we ever.

"But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" [2 cor 12:9]

you aren't trapped in your choices.
you aren't looked down upon.

we all have scarlett letters, but we don't have to bear them.
we don't have to live as a prisoner to our choices.
we don't have to live as a prisoner to our secrets.

David was called "a man after God's own heart" and yet he was the furthest from perfect. And yet, the promises of the Lord for his life didn't not falter under his choices.

Before his committing murder and adultry:
"Whatever you have in mind, go ahead and do it, for the LORD is with you." (2 Samuel 7:3)

After committing murder and adultry:
"Nathan replied to David, "Whatever you have in mind, do it, for God is with you." (1 Chron 17:2)

Our actions do not determine His. Our actions do not define us. He is sovereign & merciful because that is WHO HE IS.

“What more can I say to you? You know what your servant is really like, Sovereign Lord.  Because of your promise and according to your will, you have done all these great things and have made them known to your servant. [2  Samuel 7:20-21]

David was acknowledging that the Lord knew all he had done,and all he would do.  The promises of the Lord, the dreams He has for us and the love He gives are without reason. Our actions don't determine His.

Take some time to remember the dreams you had as a little kid. Forgive yourself and then sit back as the Ultimate Dreamer awakens those dreams & desires that were once thought to be lost within your heart.

you DO deserve the best!

101 Ways to Get a Man?

I'd like to blame GLEE  for the random times throughout the day that I'd like to break into song. This show makes it socially acceptable to break into song throughout the day, and I almost did yesterday whilst in Barnes & Noble.


Yesterday I took myself on a movie date and saw an estrogen-romance-laughter - filled film and afterwards found myself wandering through the various dating books in B&N. Just as I reached to buy yet another one of "these" type of books, I felt a strong tug in my spirit that said you don't need another book about "Christ-centered" dating.  I think that sometime people get so hungry for knowledge that they go on a binge of self-help-type-books and it seems as if all they are ever doing is buying yet another book on how to live; but here's the thing: at some point, you are going to HAVE to stop reading about your life and start actually living.  So I placed the book back on the shelf, realizing that instead of reading a book on relationships, I need to focus on my relationship with the Lord and my relationship in loving myself.


Ok, let me leave that tangent to get to the point of this....

as I was scanning the books I came across a title that flabbergasted me "101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention". It was when I saw this title that I wanted to break out into the song from SNL "What Up With That?!" .

Is this serious?? At that moment I wished that I could have gotten ahold of every copy of that book, only to bury them all well below the Earth. Have we now as ladies scooped to the level of finding ways to manipulate men?

Seriously, what the heck have we as women become? So much of this generation of women have become manipulators, imposters of the Proverbs 31 woman, imposters of the Heart of David.

You don't need a 100 ways to get a man (or get a woman for that matter) , and what ever you have to do to get a man you will have to do to keep him. We need to become less concerned with how to attract a man and more concerned with who we are and where we stand.

Books like that hurt my heart and make me intercede for the men & women of this generations that much more desperately. I don't want to be a cheap imitation of a woman. I don't want to "get and keep a man", or Gentlemen, as books like "The Game" say, "penetrating the secret society of pick up artists". 

Don't want to be single for the rest of your life?

Then start taking care of yourselves physically. Attraction in inward as much as it is outward, so take pride in working as diligently on the outside as you are on the inside.

Stop binging on dating books or self help books and start examining all of the relationships around you to check for healthiness. Why would the Lord send you another if you aren't handling the ones you have?

Stop being in love with idea of being in love and simply start showing love to those around you.

My heart has been wrecked with all of this for the past few days, so I'm examining myself this week. I want to be a real woman, and I will marry a real man.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity,

and she laughs without fear of the future.

 When she speaks, her words are wise,

and she gives instructions with kindness."

(proverbs 31:25-26)

" I have seen a son of  Jessse of Bethlehem

who knows how to play the harp.

He is a brave man and a warrior.

He speaks well and is a fine-looking man

And the Lord is with him"

(1 samuel 16:18)

Snakes, Donald Trump & Band Aids.

"The wise in heart accept commands..." (Proverbs 10:8)

So here it is, the conclusion of "the One with all the Red Flags".

It not unusual for me to not understand things. For instance:
What is the purpose of snakes?
Why does Donald Trump continue to comb over that mess?
Why when you text someone, do they then think it's ok to CALL you?
So in addition to this list, I never understood the phrase "thank God for
un-answered prayer". What? Why are we thanking Him for NOT answering a prayer?
That is, I didn't understand it until the past year.
I had set all the signs in such a way that it was "clear to me" that this
gentlemen could indeed be the "One" for me. So as I sought the Lord, I was
really simply seeking the Lord to do what I wanted Him to do.

"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

(psalm 37:4)

I took it upon myself to interepret this verse to say that as the Lord saw me
seeking after Him, He would continue to intertwine my heart with this "One with
all the Red Flags".
But here's what I failed to realize, I wasn't a Beauty that was being pursued or that was fascinating to this gentleman; but rather I was a band-aid.
I poured encouragement, gifts, time and parts of my life into him. And it was
all a band-aid that was healing his wound from his last relationship. I was the
lay-over in between flights. I was the temporary.

                                                                          

Band-Aid  /ˈbændˌeɪd/

–noun
a makeshift, limited, or temporary aid or solution that does not satisfy the basic or long-range need.

"I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit, he is unable to commit" (Wild at Heart)



Let me clarify by saying that a relationship of any kind involves two people, so I certainly played a part in this. I allowed myself to overlook red flags and to continue to invest against the tugging in my Spirit. I also made a mistake that many people make, I didn't listen to the wisdom of strategic people in my life.

The phone rang and it was him calling, I stepped away from what I was doing, feeling eager & excited to speak with him. Was he calling about the next sci-fi film we'd go see? Or what about the latest band he'd found.
No.
My heart slowed to barely a beat as my knees gave way for me to find myself seat on the sidewalk, as he told me that he was nervous about asking an friend of mine of a date. He said he'd been attracted to her for a while. He said it must have been God leading Him to feel so urgent about her. ( I could write a novel about my opinion of the last statement, but nevermind!)

The weeks and months that followed were a time of mourning and regrouping. During this time I wept through several pints of Chunky Monkey and cheesy Lifetime Movies. But at the end of the season, I learned to stand up for myself.
In addition to a couple of priceless lessons;
First is that you should never have to find ways to make something fit or make sense.
Secondly, you should never have to focus on over-looking negatives.
Thirdly, you are to be pursued as a woman. You are to be with someone who can't imagine his life without you. Who appreciates every aspect of you.
And lastly, looking for and paying attention to Red Flags will save tons of heartache.

"I will give you what you asked for!

I will give you a wise and understanding heart

such as no one else has had or ever will have! "

(1 Kings 3:12)

la la la LOVE...

There is an epidemic, a plague that has spreading with every passing minute.
It's with you when you wake up, it sits by you in the car and you watch it on TV.

We've forgotten what we were created for.
"the soul longs for passion, for freedom, for life" (wild at heart)

We are plagued by selfishness. We've become a selfish people.

Take a minute and ask yourself: When was the last time you show love to someone that wasn't illicited?

We have become a generation of people that go through each day focusing on our own tasks at hand, exchanging meaniful and intimate interactions for cheap counterfeits.

It is because of Love that we were created and given life. "For God so Loved the world..." (John 3:16)
It is in Love were created. "so God created man in His own image" (Gen 1:27)
                                          "...God is Love" (1John4:7)

Love is our foundation. The dust from which we were created.
"The stock from which the heart of a man is drawn. Strong, courageous Love" (wild at heart)

We were created to Love, but are not living as such, we aren't living to our FULL POTENTIAL.
In John Elderedge's book, Wild at Heart, Elderedge explains this concept perfectly: "if man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other ways"

I don't want to mindlessly pass people anymore. I've begun to take inventory of my life and my relationships, and in this I have come to a question: how much am I LOVING those outside of my circle of friends & family? What kind of impact am I making?

"Such inconsistency exists between stated Christian vaules and actual Christian behaviors" (soul virgins)

If we are truly "...rooted and established in love" (Ephesians 3:17) then we should be the best tippers, the nicest people in the cashier line and the most understanding drivers during rush hour.

Let me say that this has been something that has been tearing away at my heart and caused me continually examine myself. (even though I consider myself to be kind and caring)

One last thought: are you preaching at someone or showing them Love?

(fyi: leaving a tract instead of a tip doesn't pay a waiter's cellphone bill)


Love could look like:
opening a door
leaving a great tip
talking to the cashier worker
baking cookies for the loud neighbors above you
paying for the order behind you in the drive-thru
taking care of physical needs, then worrying about heart needs.

I want to swim against the current of a selfish generation.

"the Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in love" (Psalm 103:8)

What the heck are YOU going to do today!

"Seeing Signs" (with the One Who Had ALL the Red Flags!)

I stood before the mic and inhaled a deep, nervous breath; I closed my eyes right as I opened my mouth to let the words begin to follow out of me along to the melody. I kept my eyes closed for the first long couple of seconds, in an attempt to forget about the nerves pulsing through me. I opened my eyes and began to scan the audience for a familiar face, and there right in the perfect center of the auditorium I saw him sitting there. Though my mouth was singing the words to a song, my mind was raising with puzzling questions: “Why is he here?” “When did he get here?” “How long has he been here?”  “It’s weird that he is here, because I’ve had him on my heart all week…?


I finished the song, the Pastor spoke for a few moments to close the service and then I reprised the chorus as people began to exit the auditorium. And like a fish swimming against the current, he made his way to the stage, as he was warmly greeted by the team. I stood to the side, partially focused on the differing people I was speaking with and partially waiting to be noticed and spoken to.  He made he was over to me in a swift and seamless manner; one moment he was across the stage and the next he was within an arm’s length. I gave him an awkward should hug and nervously blurted out “I’ve been praying for you all week!”.  He graciously thanked me and explained that the timing must have been God because in the past couple of weeks his business ventured had fallen through as had his relationship. At the mention of his relationship ending, I am ashamed to say my heart skipped a beat or two, or three. I apologized for everything being so rough, and then shared a couple moments of encouragement. I’m sure that in talking to him I appeared wise, discerning and suave; while on the inside I was a milkshake in a blender.


I shared the news of his return with my mom and exclaimed that it was “obviously” a sign! I had had him on my heart all week in the same week that he moved back and ended a relationship!  To add to the “signs”, a day or two later, I looked at my phone to find a text message from an number that I didn’t recognize.  As I opened the text message, I had to catch my balance as the message read a gracious thank you from this young man; the text exclaimed how much a woman of God I was and how blessed he was to associate with someone like me. He ended by once again thanking me for the encouragement and prayers in a rough time. 


He got my number from someone and thought to send me a thank you!! At this point I was nearly convinced that THIS was my love  story from God unfolding before my eyes. I mean picture it, we both audition on the same day, we serve together, he moves away and then moves back. THIS WAS IT!


From this day forward, we began sharing a text message here and a text message there until soon we were having full fledged “text-conversations”. (thinking back now, I realized I DIDN’T LIKE TALKING TO HIM ON THE PHONE because he always talked about himself----RED FLAG!!!)  Within the next couple of weeks, I was invited to a family lunch (with thrilled me to death since I’m such a family person), I quickly became endeared to his family. Due to our common interest of music,  I was invited to join a “jam” writing session with him, his brother and a fellow band mate.  The night before going over to his house, I worried tirelessly over what outfit would show that I could be beautiful and put together but WITH OUT EFFORT! My roommate suggest a sundress, but I for sure felt that was trying too hard.  




I settled on shorts and a casual tshirt. 


As I drove to his  house, I was a NERVOUS WRECK!  After surviving an unintentional detour , I finally arrived as his house, and was greeting by his zany and precious mother working in the garden. He greeted me at the door, we exchanged some polite conversation (I can’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure I was asking some stupid question about the interior of the house because I couldn’t think of anything else to say amidst my plethora of nerves!) Sitting in on the jam session, was a enjoyable though I remember feeling like I was an outsider looking in and not fully engaged. That was until it was INSISTED that I couldn’t leave until I sang a duet with one of the guys .(at least we did an Alison Krauss song) Luckily, I had to be at work, which gave me an excuse to leave, so as to avoid the awkwardness of deciding when it’s appropriate to leave. 


From this point forward, the two of us began investing time and energy into one another. And by “we”, I mean “me”. (RED FLAG!!) 


I believe it’s scary how easily we can convince ourselves that we see all of the “signs” pointing towards a person/decision/etc. It was in the tragic waste of time and heart, that I learned that it terrifies me how easily we convince ourselves we’ve heard from God, when we haven’t.
  We need to pay more attention.







(conclusion of this saga to come!)