Knee Surgery and Depression

When I was 16, an ulcer in my colon perforated a hole in my colon which resulted in having to have a foot of my colon removed. I was out of school from late October until January and it was a painful recovery. 

...outpatient knee surgery was worse.

When you're a teen still living at home and have any type of sickness, ailment, surgery, etc, you don't have to worry about rent or food or pets or a job. You have your parents there to help you in every aspect.  As a 26-year old enrolled in an intensive master's program, with an internship, a part time job, a pet, a boyfriend and occasionally friends, you find yourself with a lot that has to be handled or put on hold to have a surgical procedure.

Almost two weeks ago I had my meniscus and my ACL repaired. I was blessed to be able to stay with my parents and call their cellphone at 3:00 am when I needed help going to the bathroom or have them help me bathe. The week was mentally and physically challenging as they are staying in a house where my bedroom was up a flight of stairs. I often repeated "Super Mary! Super Mary!" (I blame the pain meds) to encourage myself as I grunted along every painful step  and even more often could be found calling for a parent to help me with what seemed like every task. It was a tough week but I made it.

I had no idea that the second week would be the worse...

Sunday evening I found myself in my apartment alone and Monday morning I woke up feeling the most lonely and hopeless I have ever felt. 

As a future clinical Social Worker, I am well versed in the signs and symptoms of depression. At my current internship, I work mostly with patients who are living through depression, anxiety or some cruel mixture of both. I've found myself several times dishing out coping skills to deal with these symptoms and am embarrassed to say that I've found myself on more than one occasion thinking "well I'd be depressed if I was in my pajamas all day, why don't they just take a shower and go outside?". 

At the beginning of this week, my Dad challenged me to ask the Lord what He wanted to speak to me during this time. Here's what I know: I hope to never have more empathy for those with depression than I have this past week. Maybe I'm being melodramatically (c'mon we know I usually am!), but this week has been one of the darkest I have ever experienced and I've had to walk through several dark experiences in my life. 

When Monday morning hit, I couldn't get out of bed. I was frustrated because my mind wanted to get up and go to class and resume activities but my body just couldn't. I was lonely because I had to struggle to fill my ice machine for my leg and it hurt to stand long enough to prepare myself something to eat.  I felt like a failure because I realized that I came back to be by myself too soon, I should have stayed another week and let me parents continue to help me. But I wanted to come back and now I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake, that I wasn't yet at a place to take care of myself. My best friend brought me lunch on Monday, despite not feeling like having company at all, which is highly unlike me. 

Sunday evening, Monday and Tuesday are like a dark blur to me now. I felt so incredibly hopeless. After exhausting almost every penny to my name to pay towards the surgery and cover my rent for the month, I was left with barely a penny to my name and a broken down car. I felt like I would never recover because even when my knee healed, how would I have transportation? How would I go to my job or internship? Where would I find the motivation to finish the semester? 

During these dark couple of days I had no appetite, I slept a great majority of the day and had no desire to leave the house. I felt incredible hopeless. I could tell that my boyfriend, Robbie could see it on my face and that my parents could hear it in my voice that I was slipping away into a dark place. 

Eventually, I crawled out of bed and decided to go back to stay with my parents. I'm so grateful for a boyfriend and parents who dropped everything to get me back into a healthy place. It took me a couple days in a loving home with sunshine and homecooked meals to emerge from this terrible funk but as I emerged, I gained some valuable nuggets to take into clinical Social Work with me.

Through fire I had to put into practice coping skills that were realistic not only for a client but for me. I began to understand how much energy it takes to even get up off the couch when depression is on your shoulders and just how much of a challenge eating or stepping outside becomes. I am blessed that my episode has an ending as I will eventually fully recover, somehow I'll have transportation again and life will continue but many that suffer depression are plagued with this true illness. 

Depression is an illness.

I hope to never have days like this week but I'm grateful to have the opportunity to laugh at some of the coping skills that we learn in the classroom that would never be feasible for someone battling this disease. I'm also grateful to crawl through the coping skills that actually work.

I don't know how everything will work out after all this dust settles, but I'm grateful for a best friend, a roommate, a boyfriend and parents who reached into the pit and encouraged me to get out. 

I may not have a cent to my name or a running vehicle, but I have people who love me and a Creator who died for me. I'm going to be ok. 

Living An Unfinished Life

Let's talk about how we respond and interact with this Man, the Creator.

Let me also preface all this with the statement that we are all at different places in our walk and becoming more like Christ is something that is a continual process.                                           (continual meaning I'm there yet either)

With that being said, knowing God is not enough.

A couple years ago I spent most of the day sitting in a coffee shop listening to worship music and simply being (something I try to make time to do often). And during my frequent attention-deficit-disorder-scannings-of-the-people-places-and-things around me, I noticed a display with books about the Kennedys. One book about his life was open to a page that had the phrase “An Unfinished Life”. I kept staring back at this phrase transfixed by the idea of living an unfinished life when we aren't dead yet.

Hear me out. Knowing God isn't enough. I could know God, go to a weekly worship service, spend time in the word and it would be living an unfinished life.

I remember also seeing a coffee cup quote around that same time (I get distracted easily, this I know) that said “just when the catepillar thought it was all over,it became a butterfly”. At this point I know I must be losing you with the Kennedys and a book store and a coffee cup and a catepillar but stay with me and I promise I'll make sense (or I'll just delete this before I post it). Romans 1:21 says:

 “for although they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him because they became futile in their thinking...”

Let me translate that scripture into the MCWversion:

“even though they knew God, they weren't aware of Him in everything. They lived an unfinished life; thus encountering God only at certain times rather than in everything; and their mindset became stagnant, without growth, stunted and unfruitful”

We know of God but are we cognizant of Him around us? Would we hear if He asked us to pay for the car behind us in a drive thru line? Or if He prodded our heart to pray with a person in the other aisle in Walmart?

Sometimes I forget just how great and awesome He is and how much I should be acknowledging Him in every area of my life. Are we like the catepillar and become so distraught with how things look at the moment that we don't trust that He won't leave us a caterpillar. You haven't reached your full potential. God won't leave you where you are if you are acting in full obedience to His word.

 When we limit God to an encounter in morning quiet time or a weekly worship service, we miss all that He has to say and wants to do in and through us throughout the day. Thus, we are walking around living an unfinished life. 

Acknowledging God isn't just for our benefit or gain in fact a great bit is just for Him. God is a relationship being, He desires friendship with us. He created us because He wanted to, He wanted relationship with us. (Ephesians 1:5)

God doesn't live in your morning quiet times. God doesn't live in a church a building. He lives in you and in me. When you finish reading this and go grab a cup of coffee in the kitchen or brush your teeth in the bathroom, God doesn't say “alright friend! See you tomorrow, same time same place!”. No. We are in a continual conversation with Him if we choose to be.

If the catepillar would have thought God only lived in a certain time or certain circumstance or certain moment then he never would have held on to see the transformation that which he didn't see coming.

Today I pray that you won't miss out on what God desires to whisper to you THROUGHOUT the day. I like to think that there are little signs of His love and direction that He sends in various avenues throughout the day, these I refer to as “post-it notes”. So I pray that you be open and aware of little post-it notes that God wants to offer you throughout the day. Enjoy the difference in your days when you choose to hear what God has to say to you throughout the day and not just in your quiet time!

“But now in Christ Jesus, you who were once

were far away have been brought near

through the blood of Christ.”

Ephesians 2:13

Whose then Who

Originally, I was going to write about PURPOSE until a sassy, slightly hippy therapist said to me “how do you know purpose unless you know WHOSE you are?”. She is right. Talking about purpose before the basics of WHOSE we are is like drinking milk and then eating cereal, and that's just plain silly. 

If we can ever fully grasp WHOSE we are, we will be able to fully live in WHO we are. 

Continually finding worth in ourselves and depending on our own abilities will do nothing but cause unnecessary pressure we weren't ever designed to carry. And you know what happens with pressure over time? Pressure over time causes explosions or collapse. (I'll take neither sir!)

I've met many people who believed they were responsible for their own success. In fact I dated a guy who had a very funny view on things: if things went well it was his own doing, if things went wrong he would blame God. (this whole stupid mindset is something we will address together later, because I've believed this silliness too...) I've always posed the question to people who find success in their own ability: “isn't that an awful lot of pressure to think every thing that happens to you good or bad is up to you?”. Most have some run-a-round answer that causes me to doze off.

Let me make this clear:

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN SUCCESS.

You are a child of a Man who created the entire world in a matter of days and took the time to put freckles on my face and make that one hair that always goes the wrong way; I'm pretty sure our lives are easy-peasy for Him. Why not take the pressure offer yourself and lay that burden down at His feet. Surrender is scarier when we think of it than it actually is. ( I said SCARIER than we think it is, I DID NOT say it wasn't difficult not to pick it up once we lay it down) One of my current favorite music obsessions (besides Miranda Lambert, I LOVE that take-no-prisoners woman!) is All Sons and Daughters and one of their wonderful lyrics from their song “From Dawn to Dusk” says perfectly what I'm trying to get across “tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender”.

You are a daughter of the day, a son of the light (1 Thessalonians 5:5). You have been bought with price, adopted into a the family of a King.

We aren't supposed to walk around haughty but rather confident that as we walk in relationship with the Creator,

He guides our steps and is lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. (Psalm 119:105) I take that as we seek Him, He provides direction for this moment and wisdom for the future.

(Oh! And if He isn't saying anything for this moment, BE STILL per Psalms 46:10) The beauty of accepting whose you are is that you begin to realize what you are because with the acceptance of a daughter or son of the Creator you realize you are:

• blessed “ The Lord bless you, my daughter” (Ruth 3:10)
• not alone “And the Lord is with him” ( 1 Samuel 16:18)
• strong “ ...for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10)
• radiantly beautiful “ those who look to Him are radiant” (Psalms 34:4)
• not fearful “...it does not fear when heat comes...” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Today I challenge you to not focus on

what you are NOT but what you ARE. And when thoughts creep in to bring you down, remind those thoughts you are a child of the Creator of the Universe and that Satan's words have no hold on you. Remind him and yourself that you are blessed, not alone, strong, radiantly beautiful and not afraid. I pray today that the Lord would surround you, He would hem you in and draw you close to Him; and you would feel His hand upon you today.

“ You hem me in – behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me”

Psalm 139:5

What Zoey's Bath Taught Me About God.

For over a year now I've been writing a journal to my future husband (yeah yeah insert Christian joke here and then shut up), and the day I adopted Zoey (my dog)  I wrote, "Today, Zoey adopted ME". She did. From the beginning I've paralleled Zoey and myself (hold the dog jokes), how she was rescued and how I was rescued. But even further than Zoey, I've believed for a long time that God can show a lot of Himself and His character through animals if we'll just pay attention. 

One blatantly obvious way the Creator teaches me about himself through her is her unfailing enthusiasm every time I walk through the door; I took the trash out the other day (a few steps from the door) and yet when I came back into the house, I swore her tail was going to wag right off her body. I'd say that I THINK that's how the Father thinks of us, or that I BELIEVE that's how the Father thinks of us but honestly I KNOW that's how the Father is every time we come to Him. 

But tonight I was reminded of a much more sobering truth about the Creator, that He sits in the yuck with us. Let me elaborate: 
When you adopt an animal, for a long time it can be hard to predict how they will act in certain situations especially if you're unsure of their background. Our family dog Ginger for instance can tend to snap at any moment that you spend close to her face or trying to playfully pry a toy from her mouth. 

Zoey is no different, I'm constantly cautious about how she'll react during baths or playfully tugging at toys in her mouth. But one thing I've discovered, one thing I'm POSITIVE of....she is TERRIFIED of the hair dryer. Terrified. I could be drying my own hair and she runs to the farthest portion of the house.  

Well this is inconvenient because she has a great deal of fur and she has the potential to be fluffy but she only really reaches her greatest potential of fluffy-ness after she has been blown-dry. 

See the conundrum? 

Well tonight, after continuously delaying her bath in order to avoid the WWE match I'd face with her, I strapped on my big girl panties and bathed her. 

Oh the bath went fine, I mean what looked like her compliance to me was really her defeat but nevertheless she was still. But let's remember the bath isn't the problem, it's the drying....I suppose I could let her air-dry but that would result a hurricane of her hair fibers and little deposits of her water drippings through-out the house. So, I must blow-dry. 

I tried to approach it with slowly approaching with the blow dryer, then I tried chasing with the blow dryer and finally attempted the capture-and-blow-dry method. All this was while I tried to not get soaked in the furry-puddle that was my bathroom floor. 

And then, in a moment of desperation, I tried something I didn't ever see myself doing, (I'm slightly germ-a-phobic, not a lot, just a little)  I sat on the floor. I sat on the floor. I SAT ON A WET, DIRTY, FURRY FLOOR and I held Zoey. At first she resisted, but once I started to hold her lovingly and pet her as I dried her, she not only calmed down but she relaxed and let me dry her completely. 

I sat on that wet floor and held her and became a little emotional as I got a vision of Christ; He holds us in the yuck. He holds me when it's ugly and yucky and hard. He gets down in the yuck with me. He approaches me in an individual way. 

Lately I've felt emotional about a few things as I've grown through some things and it's moving to think of the Savior of the world holding me in the midst of my snotty-weeping-fests. 

He hold you in the yuck. He literally cradles you when it's gross and approaches you in an individual way. 

I think that's what Zephaniah 3:17 is all about: 

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with His singing"

I not only can't get over but I also can't express enough this simple statement:

He holds you in the yuck. 

He holds you.

 

How to Heal a Broken Heart

I want to preface all this by saying that I don't have some special scripture or spell or formula for you to overcome a heartbreak, but what I can present to you are some truths I've experienced and some truths I've heard along the way that I believe can help you on the path of healing. 

1. The saying "time heals everything" is COMPLETE bull crap.

 Seriously, complete bull crap. Time can act as a "progress report" from where you've come, but time itself has no ability to do anything; in fact, my Mom once told me "you could actually be this way forever" and if you let yourself, you COULD be this way forever. I have spent time before as a professional "wallow-er" and it did nothing but keep me in a semi-constant state of depression, hopelessness and despair. In order to begin to heal, I had to be intentional. 

2. What goes in, MUST come out. 

Part of me being intentional with my healing, I had to monitor what went in because I knew it would come out. So I became hypersensitive to the movies, TV scenes and music I allowed myself to consume; I realized movies like "The Notebook" and songs like " Home" sent me on a downward spiral of memories and emotions that weren't productive for me. So I had to truly begin to monitor what I "consumed". What's crazy is that when I became aware of this, I'd notice memories stir up during certain radio songs so I began to switch the station or the track when those songs came on and saw the moments begin to fade.  But I had to be proactive and intentional. 

3.  Get rid of crap associated with memories. 

No, seriously. It sucked but it meant getting rid of holiday PJ pants and a dress worn on a special date. It wasn't fun but it had to be done. It meant putting pictures and cards away and skipping songs on CDs that were associated with memories. It meant choosing not to live on memory lane, because memory lane keeps us from ever progressing and usually feeds off of strictly the "great" times. Melting in a pool of memories will do nothing but torture you and keep you from being able to move on. 

4. Take thoughts captive.

2 Corinthians 10:5  reminds us to " bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ", but what does that mean? It means you aren't a slave to your thoughts, you aren't destined to sink into a time warp of memories, it means you don't have to be tortured. Memories feel warm and fuzzy but in reality they are going to cause more damage then good, they stall you. You can't imagine a greater love if you're focused on how "no other love will be like this one". Something I've had to do even now is purposely choose not to be a resident on memory lane. There have even been times when I've said aloud " I WILL NOT THINK ON THAT" and forced my thoughts on something else. Remember, no one can live up to that person in your memories. 

5. Let yourself mourn.  

Yes, mourn. You've felt a loss, a death, a divorce, you lost a piece of yourself; you've lost time. At times it may seem easier to ignore the loss, to occupy or delay the pain but the truth is, you've can't heal a wound by ignoring it. Delaying the pain is very possible but it isn't beneficial because at some point you will have to face the loss you've experienced in order to move past it. It hurts, I know it hurts. There may be moments where you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't go more than a few minutes without bursting into tears; there will be moments where breathing seems an impossible task but you must press on. I understand. There are still moments even after much time has past, that I feel waves of indescribable  grief and sorrow, where I wonder if I'll ever be completely free of the pain but I press forward. You can never know how far you've come if you don't keep moving because I promise there will be a day when you realize you haven't felt the hurt in several months. So when you feel like you can't get out of bed, make yourself get out of bed and go for a walk in the sun. When you feel like you can't eat, eat some comfort food one bite at a time and when you feel like the sorrow will never end, look up Jim Gaffigan videos. 

6. Let people love you.

This one is particularly hard for me. It can be so hard to let people love me when I'd much rather be alone with some ice cream, wine and horrible reality TV but at some point I had to let people in. I had to force myself to be social and force myself to let people love on me even if it meant just sitting in silence during a movie. You can't heal alone, there are people who love you so let them show you. I also had to realize that some people need to process experiences with someone who is gifted to walk through them, thus I listened to those who loved me and began to see a counselor. Let people love you, let people give you wisdom, let people listen to you, let people help you become a conqueror.

7. Forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. Forgive yourself for being hurt. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you felt you made. Forgive yourself for being human. FORGIVE YOURSELF, because Christ already did 2000 years ago.

8. Forgive the other person.

It really is true that having unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That other person most likely isn't thinking about you or the hurt. They have processed and moved on, so you need to also. You can't hate someone you're praying for, so pray blessing for that person even if it's with your teeth gritted. Fake it til you make it because I promise one day you'll wake up and not be angry at them anymore.

9. Remind yourself of the promise.

What has the Lord promised you? One of the scriptures that I've been mediating on is Luke 1: 45,

 " Blessed is she who believed, for there will be fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord".

 So what has He told you? One of the ways I've coped over the past year and half is to begin to put my sadness to good use and pray for or write to my future husband each time I felt overwhelmed with sadness or despair. It helps to keep me grounded in the things the Creator has promised me for my marriage one day.  These writings and lists of promises He has made me help my resolve not to settle for less than I've been promised. So, what have you been promised? 

I know it hurts. I KNOW. There are still days where I cry and it hurts but those days continue to move further and further apart. You can make it, you're still breathing. The more it hurt, the more I would cling to the Father. Allow yourself to get caught up in His love, allow yourself to be surrounded by His hope. If you're ready to stop hurting, He is waiting to mend your heart.

I know such great hurt, but I'm also seeing such great healing and progress. 

 

 

 

                                                                                             

What I know of God.

I don't know much but there some truths that I cling to;
In times of hurt, joy, confusion or clarity I cling to what I know of God. 


He binds up wounds.

" If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ,then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land"                                                                                                                                       2 Chronicles 7:14

He heals.

"He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners."                                                                                Isaiah 61:1

He revives. 

"to revive the spirit of the lowly and revive the heart of the contrite"                                    Isaiah 57:15

He hears me.

"You heard from heaven and in your compassion you delivered them time after time"   Nehemiiah 9:29 

He will restore and sustain.

"to restore me the joy of Your salvation and grant me and willing spirit to sustain me"        Psalm 51:12

 He won't leave me dry or without what I need.

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. "                                                                                                                        Isaiah 58:11

He will never leave me.

"but You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them."                                                                    Nehemiah 9:17

"but He will heal us...but He will bind up our wounds.

After two days He will revive us; and on the third day He will restore us,

that we may live in His presence. Let us press on to acknowledge 

the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. 

As surely as the sun rises, He will appear;

He will come to us like the winter rains, 

like the spring that rains that

waters the Earth"

Hosea 6:1-3

 

Doubting God.

This is by far the most intimate, messy post I've ever shared with the public; some things have no way to be made pretty but rather must be seen for what they are, mud and all.

 I have gotten my heart broken. When relationships end, especially when intimacy is involved, the untangling becomes a tedious process of unwrapping each other from one another's lives. There is no way to speed up the process. The pain comes in waves. Recently I journaled about this pain,

"One minute I'm fine and then something will trigger me. Suddenly I feel chills all over my body, my chest tightens and I begin to feel my grip on my emotions slipping. Every kiss, every laugh, every fight, every goodbye, every reunion floods back in an instant. This emotional onslaught is far worse than the most severe loneliness"

The Creator never wanted to me to feel this. It wasn't part of His master plan.
I don't even know if he planned to design
 us the ability to cope 
with these emotions
 because He never intended us to face them.
I believe He heals and extends us grace, but He never intended or wanted anyone to hurt like this.


Unfortunately, it is seen time after time in the Word that great pain is often times preceded by great rebellion. I am no different. My rebellion started as many do, by doubting God.

As I was approaching my 23rd birthday and my college graduation, I began to wonder why I hadn't dated anyone since I was 17. This irritation with loneliness was made worse when I found out the graduate program I wanted to join was no longer in operation (this was found out in the middle of studying for the GRE for the program). I was irritated with God, so I began to seek out a relationship.  I had worked with this handsome gentleman for several years at work and began to pursue conversation and time with him.  I had always believed that the Lord was Lord enough to connect my path with a man, so the fact that I was actively pursuing someone (instead of vice versus) was out of character for me and my beliefs.  Out of frustration I was taking my love life into my own hands, in this I showed I doubted God and His ability. 



In Genenis 16, we see where Sarai (who knew she had been promised children by the Creator) began to doubt God's ability and His promise. She, much like me, took matters into her own hands.  And by doing so brought hurt and despair upon herself and her husband. 

"The Lord has kept me from having children, Go sleep with my maidservant;

perhaps I can build a family through her" (vs. 2)

Eve also doubted God. (Genesis 3)  The serpent came to her and began to question as to why she couldn't eat the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, Eve began to think that God was keeping something great from her.  She began to question if God was keeping wisdom from her and desired to have everything that was good and pleasing. Why would God keep something "wonderful" from her? So not only did she eat but she gave to husband.

1. Many times when we doubt God and rebel,

 we bring others down with us. 

By me doubting God, overtime I compromised my

 morals in front of the guy I was dating.  

Whether I was conscious of it or not, 

I showed that morals can change and that Christians can be hypocrites. 

After a while, I was a poor example of what a Christian woman should be. 

2. When we doubt God and rebel,

 there will be pain and repercussions. 

For Sarai, she began to resent her servant Hagar. 

There was also strife between her and her husband,

 "You are responsible for my suffering" (Genesis 16:5). 

There is also the matter of the son born out of this situation, Ishmael, 

who became a present day source of strive as the "ForeFather" in the middle east.

 Now THOSE are some lasting repercussions.

For Eve, she caused herself and her husband to be

 banished from the Garden of Eden and thus loose the initial

 relationship God designed them to have with him. 

Her choice also had far reaching repercussions

 that are felt today, " I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing" (Genesis 3:16)

.

I don't believe that there are repercussions and pain because God is some evil Santa Claus sitting on a lightening bold casting down judgement upon us; I do however believe that every choice that has a consequence of some sort.  Because of my doubt, I involved a man in a year and a half of pain. Something born out of rebellion can never be something that is blessed.  Because of my doubt and rebellion, choices were made that can never be undone. Because of my doubt and rebellion there are now two hearts, mine and his, that will have to go through the horrific process of healing in order to love again. Regardless of the situation, when feelings are involved like those of love & affection, it takes time and an active effort to move past it.


 This was not what God intended, but it how things are. God is still gracious and is still able "IN ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). Don't get me wrong, this still hurts daily and will for a while. I am not ok but I will be. God is healing and redeeming me, but let this be a loving reminder that God is still God and we are not.