if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything.

"give me faith,to trust what You say.that You're good,and Your love is great....I may be weak, but Your spirit's strongin me,my flesh may fail,but my God,You never will"

how can we sing this from the stage and yet in the midst of a situation forget that nothing takes the Lord by surprise. if the Lord could speak through a DONKEY, i'm pretty sure He is in control no matter what. as said by the bunny on Bambi, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all". how can we reach a broken world if we as the bride of Christ are eating one another?

please stop using facebook as a place to air grievances. it's isn't becoming or mature and further alienates the world we are trying to reach. the church isn't about me, or you or leadership or elders. the church is a hospital for the broken.

i'm not looking to start a discussion or an argument, I'm just a twenty something whose heart is hurting more for the horrible outbursts i've seen on the internet lately.

if you are truly concerned and bothered by what is happening around you THE ONLY PERSON YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO ABOUT THEM is the Lord. place your frustrations at His feet and LEAVE THEM THERE. The Lord does NOT need our help. So let's stop insulting Him by acting as if He is out of control or as if He'd delivered the children of Israel from slavery only to die at the hands of a raging ocean.

temptation & stew.

A great sports coach is knowledgeable about the team they are playing against.

he knows their strengths.

he knows their weaknesses.

he knows their plays.

he knows their start players.

he knows their history.

A great General is knowledgeable about who is he fighting.

he knows strengths.

he knows weaknesses.

he knows his own strengths and weaknesses.

he has studied their history

.

Coach's and Generals have the same goal: 

domination.

The Enemy is a very savvy coach and a meticulous General when it comes to battle against our hearts and lives. 

"the  wolf attacks the flock and scatters it"

(john 10:12)

The enemy not only desires to destroy us but 

also to scatter us from those we are walking with, 

so that it is in isolation we die.

he separates us by causing us to feel as if we can't tell anyone,

 or  puts barriers in relationships to avoid connection and accountability.

the enemy is not dumb enough to attack me in areas in which I am strong,

no he is very well aware

 of my weak areas,

my hidden areas,

my history,

my struggles,

my battles,

my secrets

and THAT is where he rages war.

without warning or indication, the enemy sets fire hard and fast against my heart, mind and life.

he watches my steps and when an opportune moment is seen, he takes it and runs with it.

he meets me there.

"now out came a woman to meet him,

dressed like a prostitute with crafty intent...

she took hold of him....' so i came out to meet you,

i have looked for you and found you!" 

(proverbs 7:10-15)

there's that saying that "history repeats itself", 

and you know why that is?

because we constantly being tested over and over 

again in our weak areas. 

i can tell you that my testing and temptation 

very often comes in a eerily  similar package

from the last time I faced it.

It may be a new f ace,

a new place,

a new situation ,

but I am not fooled, it is the same tactic as every other time.

this week I realized that I was SMACK DAB in the middle of a testing,

of a temptation, and yet for whatever reason I was surprised that it was the same

tune I've  heard a thousand times.

it is so easy to tell others how to deal with temptation, or even to plan how you will deal with such in the future.

but I bet you'll agree with me 

when I say that  when you are in the midst of it,

you have little to no desire to address it.

why? because it is so  comfortable and familiar. 

I'm not entirely sure what to do in the heat of this moment right now, except to seek the Lord,set safeguards and be open and honest with myself and my accountability partner. what i DO know is i DO NOT want my life to be described like this:

"All at once he followed her,

like an ox going to the slaughter,

like a deer stepping into a noose 

till arrow pierces his liver,

like a bird darting into a snare,

little knowing it will cost him his life"

(proverbs 7:22-23)

I continue to remind myself what Perry Noble talked about at Catalyst 2010,

he referenced the story of Jacob and Essau and posed the question,

how many of us give up our 

future

destiny

life

inheritance

dreams

for a moment of satisfaction? 

what is your bowl of stew?

i know mine....

You HAVE me (a thought from Oprah)

Out of all places, I heard from the Lord during yesterday's episode of Oprah.
She was having a "Where are They Now?" episode and had 1970's sensation Debbie Boone ("You Light Up My Life") on and the subject of her mother-in-law, Rosemary Clooney ("White Christmas"!) came up in conversation.

Oprah asked Debbie what it was like to have her as a mother-in-law;

Debbie paused a minute as she began to tear up, then she responded with,

 "It was wonderful. I loved the way she loved my kids"

Whenever the grandchildren would visit, Rosemary would be sitting in a big comfy chair, she would open her arms wide and with great joy she would exclaim, "my babies! my babies!" as the grandchildren ran to all pile in with her.

As tears continued to well in Debbie's eyes, she said to Oprah

 "How wonderful is it that someone delights in you?

 She delighted in my children."

Debbie then made a statement that being delighted in was truly the antidote for bullying, low self esteem and feelings of not quite measuring up. 

Wow. 

 this generation today is plagued with the human need to feel loved,

 affirmed, special, adequate, extraordinary, needed, useful and known

. 

 if people began to live daily lives where they

knew and believed that they were all these things and more, 

what problems/issues/chains would become extinct? 

                                how much more extraordinary would their lives

 become BECAUSE they

knew and truly believed this.

I have to daily make the decision to remind myself that

i

am

delighted

in 

by 

the Creator

of 

the 

universe.

He sits in a big-comfy-chair and exclaims, "MA-RY CATH-ER-INE!!!!!!" when I walk into a room. His eyes light up, He just can't wait for me to come sit with Him. 

you see,

He spent such  meticulous

time forming every freckle and personality trait.

He spent tremendous time

to dream and imagine wonderful dreams

and gifts for me.

He cannot understand why I cannot comprehend 

how crazy He is about me.

how dare I question

or wonder if I am

precious

loved

valuable

equipped

adequate

loved

wanted.

"For the Lord is a sun and shield;

the Lord bestows favor and honor;

no good things does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless"

(psalm 84:11)

"Love and Faithfulness meet together;

Righteousness and Peace kiss

each other.

Faithfulness springs forth from the Earth,

and Righteousness

looks down from the Heavens.

The Lord will indeed give what is good,

and our land will yield it's harvest.

Righteousness goes before him

and prepares the way for his steps."

(psalm 85: 10-13)

I love Gungor's song, "You have me", and within the past couple of days I have put it on repeat and audibly proclaimed, "YOU HAVE ME". 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpATmuPr84Q

                                                                                                        
Out on the farthest edge
There in the silence
You were there

My faith was torn to shreds
Heart in the balance
And You were there

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
Everything broken
But You were there

I've wandered at heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me

You have my heart completely

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me
You have my heart

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely

(Gungor)

lying to myself.

let me first start by saying, I really am NOT one of those who posts things to there future spouse for others to see (it's a little bit of a pet peeve). now in saying that, this morning my heart was especially heavy for my husband and I felt the need to be transparent in order to encourage others.


during my quiet time this morning I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as the thought of my husband crossed my mind and I began to compare myself to most of my circle of friends who are either engaged, married & pregnant or living with their significant other. 
then there is ME.

so I haven't dated since  a few weeks prior to my 18th birthday.

don't get me wrong, i've invested my heart, time & energy

 in places that i shouldn't since then, but 

not a Lord-honoring relationship.

I felt the enemy begin to assault my heart and mind, bringing comparisons to those around me which caused me to feel somewhat inadequate and oddly embarrassed. I began to recognize this deliberate discouragement from the enemy, and immediately thought back to what I consistently encourage girls in the small group with,

  "somewhere there is the person who was created 

to compliment you, and they are out there

 waiting for either their heart 

and life to be ready or for yours to be"

in honesty, it is always much easier to encourage those around you, than to remind yourself.

As I was flipping through Philippians this morning, I came across a scripture that I felt was a little post-it note from the Lord (even if some may argue it's taken out of context, then you don't have to read it! haha)

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always

pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel

from the first day until now, being confident

of this, that He who began a good work in you will

carry it on to completion until the day of Christ"

(1Philippians 1:3-6)

the things that so hit me were as follows:

a) how many times do I thank the the Lord as I remember what He has done and what He has promised to do?

b) how many times do I pray with confidence and joy, especially in areas of the heart that may difficult, shameful, embarrassing or seem ridiculous to pray about?

c) for me personally, how many times do I thank the Lord for the work He is doing in loving & developing me as well as loving & developing my future spouse, future children, and my own destiny?

d) when I'm in the middle of feeling grief or despair, how often do I honestly rest in His confidence and assurance of His best for me?

e) in my core, do I truly belief that He would deliver me like the children of Israel, only to leave me to die at the hand of another obstacle? (in their case, the ocean)

I was so struck this morning with how much I don't like my answers to those questions. In all actuality, maybe I'm fooling myself when I say I trust the Lord? How selfish and self centered of me to wonder when promises, dreams or desires will come into fruition, when I need to be thanking the Lord for what He is doing behind the scenes.

I know I am not alone in this conviction. 

notes on doubt.

Yesterday, Pastor Todd Elliot spoke on the subject of doubt . The beauty of his message was that it was equally profound as it was simple and easy to comprehend.

Some of these nuggets I gleaned from the message:

doubt comes from malnutrition  and mistreatment.

the Lord can't  add (give,etc) anything  to you  your doubt, because you are  unstable.

"but  when  he asks, he must believe and not doubt, 

because when he doubts he is like a wave of the sea,

blown and tossed by the wind.

(james 1:6)

doubt is not UNBELIEF,

unbelief is the willful  disobedience to

choose not to belief.

between unbelief and faith, resides doubt.

the chinese symbol for doubt translates into:

a foot in two boats.

i am woven.

I'm not a scholar or a sociologist but I believe that as a generation, we have lost our sense of self-worth.
Feelings of being lost, alone, unsure, unaware of how much we are loved is a plague that is spreading.

In the past few days, I've come across several individuals who may be residents of mine, co-workers,supervisors who have said;

"I feel so alone"

 "I feel like I've lost myself"

 "I just want to be loved for who I am".

I remember only a few months ago feeling the exact same way; terrified that if anyone knew me, TRULY knew ME, that I'd be rejected, abandoned and unloved. Sure I considered myself an "open" person, with "open" meaning: only-the-areas-I-was-willing-to-share. And yet on the inside, I had deep hurts and secret areas that I fearfully kept close to me and closed off to anyone else. 

 I've had to be courageous (and terrified, I might add) enough to be open not only to the Lord about these rooms-that-were-locked-away in my heart, but also be willing to be open to myself and an accountability partner. As I've slowly stepped into true open &honest living, I've found not only a freedom I've never known existed but also that people have responded exactly opposite of what I feared.

You know why?

Because everyone is broken and has issues. Period.

Last night Brian Weiler was going through Psalm 139:14-15

"I praise you because I am 

fearfully and wonderfully made,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I 

was made in the secret  place,

when I was woven together

in the depths of the Earth"

The first thing is the concept that Brian continued to point to

which is not just that we are fearfully and wonderfully made but that we KNOW THIS FULL WELL.

As Damon Adcock has said, "so many times the proclamation of our mouth does not echo our heart"

Secondly the word woven stuck out to me; it brought this image of the Lord sitting in a recliner in Heaven just knitting away little Mary Catherine, little Anna, little Hal, little Kim,etc.

(ok so maybe the Lord doesn't have a hobby of knitting, but I don't believe it's far from the truth...)

Webster's defines WOVEN as: "to form by combining various elements or details into the connected whole; to introduce as an element or details into a connected whole"

The original scripture says that we were "curiously wrought" which literally translates to embroidered.

The Hebrew word רקם râqam - means to deck with color, to variegate. Hence, it means to variegate a garment; to weave with threads of various colors. With us the idea of embroidering is that of working various colors on a cloth by a needle. The Hebrew word, however, properly refers to the act of "weaving in" various threads - as now in weaving carpets. The reference here is to the various and complicated tissues of the human frame - the tendons, nerves, veins, arteries, muscles, "as if" they had been woven, or as they appear to be curiously interweaved. No work of tapestry can be compared with this; no art of man could "weave" together such a variety of most tender and delicate fibres and tissues as those which go to make up the human frame, even if they were made ready to his hand: and who but God could "make" them? (http://bible.cc/psalms/139-15.htm)

How could we ever doubt our worth, with the Creator of the Universe sat in his "weaving chair" (umm creative license!) and tediously weaved every part of YOU. 

You are so special.

You are so unique.

He took the moments to place every freckle, every hair, every desire, every personality characteristic.

When I was little, I asked my mama "where was I before I was born?", she responded with "you were in God's plans". So from then on I went around saying "before I was born, I was in God's plants"

Maybe I wasn't so far off from the truth, because I kind of adore the imagery of being a little plant that is so tediously cared for & nurtured until I was ready for the world and the world was ready for me.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, 

before you were born I set you apart..."

(Jeremiah 1:5)

"Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows"

(Luke 12:7)

the stolen life

if someone were to walk up to you and attempt to kidnap you, you would be very aware of what was going on and would do all you could to escape the situation.


if someone were to walk right up to you at your table in a restaurant and snatch your wallet & cell phone, you would be aware of what was going on and would do all you could to escape the situation.

"He [the enemy] doesn't immediately overwhelm people with powerful desires. Instead, the enemy of our minds starts with little things--little dissatisfactions, small desires and builds from there" (Battlefield of the Mind)

do you realize that you may have been stolen from, put into captivity and you aren't even aware.
For the past 5 years, I have lived a stolen life.

During my senior year of highschool, I began "dabbling" in an eating disorder; it started out at drinking massive amounts of water to trick my body and escalated to forced-vomiting after something small like lettuce.
Over the next 5 years, I was in & out of counseling, convincing myself that I didn't truly have a problem. I would have "good" periods of time, during which I'd share with everyone the "battle I was facing". But I would also have very dark and "shameful" times during which I told no one.


I truly thought  that I was an open and honest person, I had convinced myself that I was oh so approachable and "real" to those around me. But  on the inside, I truly believed that I would also deal with some kind of eating disorder. Up until this July, I was convinced that I was a healthy, free woman who would occasionally throw up her food.

Thinking through it now, I see how ridiculous it was to think that I would free.

"a stronghold is an area in which we are held in bondage--

any part of our lives in which Satan imprisons us"

(Battlefield of the Mind)

One Sunday at REFUGE (in Columbia!) the sermon was regarding worth, and I don't know what triggered it necessarily, but suddenly became overcome with grief and began to weep. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming grief that was not merely mine, but also the loving Father who was grieving with me. He knew I'd had 5 years stolen from me, and I had been the one to allow & believe it.

I wept for a decent amount of time, composed myself long enough to drive home, only to lay my head in my Mama's lap and grieve. 

Out of this grief, I realized that I was not alone in having lived a stolen life.

As days and weeks followed this day of grieving, I

began to notice people around me who also believed that their "bondage" was normal, and

more dangerously, that it was acceptable.

I've heard people justify the "cross they bare" by saying things like "well i've just done this for so long, so..." or "everyone has a cross to bare".

NO! If you & I were sitting at a table and I told you, "well I've thrown up my food for 5 years, so I might as well continue", you would think I were insane. Now apply that conversation to yourself.


What "cross" are you carrying that you don't have to? In what ways have to been convinced that "things will always be this way" or "I will always deal with _____(fill in the blank)"


For the past 5 years, I have truly believed that I would always deal with some kind of eating disorder. 

So you tell me, how is THAT thinking you are free?

"thief comes to steal and kill and destory; 

I have come that you may have life

and have it to the full"

[john 10:10]