the stolen life

if someone were to walk up to you and attempt to kidnap you, you would be very aware of what was going on and would do all you could to escape the situation.


if someone were to walk right up to you at your table in a restaurant and snatch your wallet & cell phone, you would be aware of what was going on and would do all you could to escape the situation.

"He [the enemy] doesn't immediately overwhelm people with powerful desires. Instead, the enemy of our minds starts with little things--little dissatisfactions, small desires and builds from there" (Battlefield of the Mind)

do you realize that you may have been stolen from, put into captivity and you aren't even aware.
For the past 5 years, I have lived a stolen life.

During my senior year of highschool, I began "dabbling" in an eating disorder; it started out at drinking massive amounts of water to trick my body and escalated to forced-vomiting after something small like lettuce.
Over the next 5 years, I was in & out of counseling, convincing myself that I didn't truly have a problem. I would have "good" periods of time, during which I'd share with everyone the "battle I was facing". But I would also have very dark and "shameful" times during which I told no one.


I truly thought  that I was an open and honest person, I had convinced myself that I was oh so approachable and "real" to those around me. But  on the inside, I truly believed that I would also deal with some kind of eating disorder. Up until this July, I was convinced that I was a healthy, free woman who would occasionally throw up her food.

Thinking through it now, I see how ridiculous it was to think that I would free.

"a stronghold is an area in which we are held in bondage--

any part of our lives in which Satan imprisons us"

(Battlefield of the Mind)

One Sunday at REFUGE (in Columbia!) the sermon was regarding worth, and I don't know what triggered it necessarily, but suddenly became overcome with grief and began to weep. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming grief that was not merely mine, but also the loving Father who was grieving with me. He knew I'd had 5 years stolen from me, and I had been the one to allow & believe it.

I wept for a decent amount of time, composed myself long enough to drive home, only to lay my head in my Mama's lap and grieve. 

Out of this grief, I realized that I was not alone in having lived a stolen life.

As days and weeks followed this day of grieving, I

began to notice people around me who also believed that their "bondage" was normal, and

more dangerously, that it was acceptable.

I've heard people justify the "cross they bare" by saying things like "well i've just done this for so long, so..." or "everyone has a cross to bare".

NO! If you & I were sitting at a table and I told you, "well I've thrown up my food for 5 years, so I might as well continue", you would think I were insane. Now apply that conversation to yourself.


What "cross" are you carrying that you don't have to? In what ways have to been convinced that "things will always be this way" or "I will always deal with _____(fill in the blank)"


For the past 5 years, I have truly believed that I would always deal with some kind of eating disorder. 

So you tell me, how is THAT thinking you are free?

"thief comes to steal and kill and destory; 

I have come that you may have life

and have it to the full"

[john 10:10]

"twirly skirts" and cleavage.

Last Sunday night I got the opportunity to begin the fabulous "sunday night club" in my apartment; this exclusive club is bursting full of fabulous women, great food and explosive laughter! During this coming semester we will be loosely reading through "Captivating" (by John & Stasi Elderedge) and while drinking a yummy half-caff-starbucks-and-looking-studious-in-barnes&noble, I was preparing for the group discussion tomorrow and was reminded of my days playing dress up. 


When I was but a wee-miniature-mary-catherine, I liked to dress up for my "productions" (ok, so everything I did I expected to be a "production"...) but I don't believe I was alone. I'd venture to say that most girls found delight in high heels, sparkly skirts (that twirled!!!) and powder blue eyeshadow spread too thick.

                    


In thinking through this process, I began to think about how even as women, we still want our "twirly skirt" moments. We haven't grown out of this need, we still want to be object of someone's attention. We still want to feel lovely. 


"she was a little girl in her glory, unashamed in her desire to delight, and be delighted in" (captivating.13)


But now, that twirly-skirt-lovely-need is manifests itself in the need to feel "sexy", "empowered" or as Samantha says " I'm a tri-sexual...I'll try anything once" (sex & the city)


Our "twirly-skirts" are now necklines down to our navel, dresses that almost reveal-a-cheek and the phrase "i can't help it, i'm just big-breasted" in lieu of "look at me, look at me!  watch me twirl! am I lovely?!"




Please don't misunderstand me, there is DEFINITELY a time & a place for sexiness (and in my opinion, LOTS OF IT!!!), but until then, we need to remind ourselves that it's ok to want to be beautiful. It's ok to want to feel sexy. It's ok to want to captivate a man's attention.


Think about this:  if you could look into a magic mirror, and see exactly where you future spouse was and what they were doing, would you still say it was "ok" for a woman to be acting that way with your husband?
How about a woman throwing herself and  her "assets" at him, I don't know about you (maybe I am the strange one?) but I would CUT THAT WOMAN!


Be lovely.
Be beautiful.
Be captivating.


But also guard the future husbands and wives of those that walk around you everyday, you'd want the same courtesy.
                                             (or don't guard them, it's not my decision and it's not my spouse)

"the king is enthralled by your beauty..." 

(psalm 45:11)

the "dead".

i am OH SO tired of hearing about this "lost" or "dead" generation.


let's start with substituting the word dead for the word asleep.


" why all this commotion and wailing?
the child is not dead but asleep"
                     (mark 5:39)


we need to stop proclaiming what the generation is, and start loving them where they are.


this generation is neither dead nor lost, they are asleep.
they have fallen asleep to their true potential,
they just need to be loved without hidden agendas and
reminded of what could be.

certainty VS. uncertainty

"to be certain of God means

that we are uncertain in all our ways,

we do not know what a day may bring forth."(oswald chambers)

"You will keep in perfect peace

him whose mind is

stead·fast,        

 /ˈstɛdˌfæst, -ˌfɑst, -fəst/

–adjective
1. fixed in direction; steadily directed: a steadfast gaze.

2. firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc., as a person: a steadfast friend.
3. unwavering, as resolution, faith, adherence, etc.

4. firmly established, as an institution or a state of affairs.
5. firmly fixed in place or position

because he trusts in You."

(isaiah 26:3)

we don't always have to understand.

we don't have to respond perfectly when things happen in life,

and we can be downright mad.

But what we are called to be is

"firm, fixed, established"

on the Lord, His heartbeat and His promise.

If we will continue to choose to focus on those three things, peace will overtake the confusion, anger, anxiety, etc etc.

I know from experience.

 " The  'how' is God's department, He asks you 'what?' 'What is written on your heart?'  "

(wild at heart)

leaving the familiar.

Sometimes there is not a "wrong" or "right answer" but simply one that is best for you; one that will ultimately help you reach your full potential.

"Don't ask yourself what the word needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because the world needs people who have come alive"  (Gil Bailie--as found in 'Wild at Heart')

This week I was thinking back to the almost three years that I've lived at the beach and what opportunities and trials that have come from it.

From this I began to think about Jesus in Luke 4 when He said "i tell you the truth, no prophet is accepted in his hometown" (Luke 4:24) I don't believe that it would have been impossible for Jesus to minister in his hometown; I also don't think ministering outside His hometown was a issue of "right" or "wrong" but rather of the best.

We don't know what would have happened if Jesus hadn't realized that He may not reach His full potential where He was; His life would have followed the same destiny but maybe He would have made as large and widespread of an impact.

What I'm NOT saying in this post:

1. No one can live in their hometown.
         I truely believe that some people are called to familiar land, because someone is called   there, right?

2. You won't reach your full potential around people you're familiar with.
        First of all, take what I say with a grain of salt because afterall I'm not a Guru of anything, I'm just a blogger. Secondly, every situation is different and every circumstance is different. (so the insights I've found may not ring true to you, or they may) Having said that, I've found over the past few years that when I left what and who was comfortable and familiar, I began to operate in giftings that I was shy or otherwise unaware of. I found that after the initial shock of moving to a place where I knew two people and was prone to getting lost in, I truly began to find out who I was and wrestled for my own salvation. So that I was not living on my parents, friends' or pastor's relationship with the Lord, but my own.  "... always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. (colossians 4:12)

3. Leaving the familiar is a piece of cake.
        If  ever there were a sentence that were B.S., that my friends would be it. Leaving was the most difficult decision I've had to make thus far. I knew two people in myrtle beach, didn't know my roommates, was beginning a new job and was going against the "will" of some people in my life.  (caution: leaving out of rebellion is wrong. believe me, i paid the consequences)  Leaving was painful, scary, difficult, alarming, etc etc. And on top of the frightfulness of it all, there were distractions EVERYWHERE. A job opportunity if I stayed (before I left), the possibility of a relationship back home (while I was at the beach), not having money for school to stay at the beach; and my favorite of all, people with good intentions who spoke to me about "what God was saying through them to me". 
I am ALL FOR seeking wise counsel, but not from every person you know. You trust your heart and ears to a few select who you feel are wise and hear from the Lord, but most importantly you stay on your face until you feel peace either way.

Someone once told me, right before the best comes along something that is "good" comes and we are tempted to think that's the best.

Today I just want you to be brave enough to pose the question to yourself:
 "is God asking me to step out of my comfort zone in some way?" (if not, ok then!)

If He is in what way?
It could be something as simple as setting aside money each month for someone who needs it, something radical like changing jobs or changing a relationship, or maybe it's something terrifying like leaving the familiar.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

(Matthew 14:27-31)

dust.

it has been years, probably close to three, since i've sat down at the piano and written.
well, the creative dam has begun to break and what oozed out of my heart comes from Psalm 103:14

"For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust."


trust in the Lord;
with all my heart,
with all my understanding.
for Your understanding;
it formed the oceans,
and all of me.


Your intricate design,
is so much,
higher than mine.
i'm  a sparrow You watch over.
watch over me,
for I am,
dust.


I am a lilly,
of the valley,
that sways with You.
I set my feet,
I set my gaze,
on the waves,
You walk on.

Your intricate design,

is so much,
higher than mine.
I'm  a sparrow You watch over.
watch over me,
for I am,
dust.

(bridge)
I am dust,
You know my frame.
I've been released,
I've been redeemed,
You broke my shame.
I'm not ashamed.

Your intricate design,
is so much,
higher than mine.
I'm a child You watch over,
watch over me,
for I am dust.



I'm sharing this because I'm trudging through deep matters of the heart and I believe that as I begin to step out and show even raw parts of me; others will have the courage to begin to heal as well. plus, I was super stoked to be writing music again :)

I am weak. I fail. I'm an addict. I'm redeemed. I'm going to be singing a new song.

" O sing to the LORD a new song, For He has done wonderful things, His right hand and His holy arm have gained the victory for Him."
 (Psalm 98:1)

In the next post, I will be sharing about my personal dust.

the parable of $1.49

i was on a food lion mission: a) get ingredients for alien cupcakes. b) make sure the 7 year old and 5 year old (Victoria & Daniel)  with little shopping carts don't run into eachother, causing some sort of bodily injury or injury otherwise.

green food coloring. check.
eggs. check.
mix. check.
chocolate frosting check.
diverting multiple cart collisions within a 2.5 minute time period. check.

I headed to the check out, tired of talking to the kids about not running into eachother as "airplanes" and ready to get out of the store. As I walked up to the counter, I overheard the cashier telling the customer in front of me "it's $1.49"; the customer looked let down and headed to the soda aisle to put back a liter of Coca-Cola. The cashier yelled after the lady "I need you to bring it back here so I can scan and void the purchase", so once again the woman in her overly large and tattered black sweatshirt and sunglasses still worn to cover her eyes,had to turn back around and get the Coca Cola. At this point I was embarrassed for the customer and intriguied about the situation, I spoke quietly to the cashier and said "is she short money?"; when the cashier replied yes I ask how much the lady was short, "$1.49".  I didn't even take a breath before I said "what? I've got it." I handed over the money and the transaction was complete right as the woman was coming back with the drink in hand, thinking it was to void it.

I turned to the woman, touch her elbow and said "don't worry, I've got it." The woman lifted her glasses and said "What?" as her eyes softened and she processed what I was saying. She opened her hand and said, "I've got $.40 if you want it"; I smiled and said "no worries". She stared at me for a second or two and then said, "What's your name?" "Mary Catherine", I answered. She got closer to me and said "I'd hug you but I don't even know you and that might be kind of weird", so instead she resolved to pat/half hug me. As she turned around to walk out, she turned around several times to look back at me, until right before she stepped out of the door she said once more "What's your name? Because I want to tell people about this", I smiled and said again "Mary Catherine". She said, "Thank you Mary Catherine, you're a lifesaver. You don't even know, You're a life saver". 

I thought about this encounter for the rest of the day; focusing on the fact that the woman was SO SURPRISED that someone would be kind and help her out in such a small and reasonable way. Why are people surprised when we love the world?

$1.49 didn't even take me  a second to think through, it was such a feasible way to love someone. Why don't we do it more often?

Later in the day, I pulled in behind a man and his mom pumping gas into their car at the gas station;they both had to use the passenger side door to get in because it was the only door that worked. As they drove away, I saw that they only put $5.00 in their tank, I wished that I had been there sooner so I could have just suprised them by putting gas into their car; but I prayed for them as they drove away and resolved I WOULD buy gas for a stranger soon.

When I use to work at Chick-Fil-A, we use to have days where a chain would start: someone would pay for not only their food, but also the food for the car behind them. Sometimes that chain would go on for an hour, it was so beautiful. Once, one man in a car bought the food for a van full of people who he felted needed it. Another time, my dad looked in his rearview mirror to see a mother with multiple kids in a drive thru, he decided to love her by paying for her food.

The world won't care how much we know, unless they know how much we care.

"What good is it my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Suppose your brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him; ' Go I wish you well; keep warm and well fed'  but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself , if not accompanied by action, is dead"

(James 2:14-17)